Love and light for our beautiful dog Spoons

Dear Miss Spoonsie Bear,

It's been over a month since we said goodbye, but the heartache behind your passing is still raw. It's amazing how quiet and empty the house feels without you here, ironic for a dog that never barked in the first place. I miss having you follow me around like my personal magnet and sneaking a snuggle with your soft fur every chance I get. Despite the cleanings, your hair is still everywhere and I'm sure will remain on our clothing and in our corners until the end of time :).

Your presence at work is also noticeably missed, as your bed remains in the corner of my office, used by Cannoli occasionally but he doesn't like it as much as you... I really need to find a place to store it. The ladies still talk about you and how awesome you were and I still get weepy on the way home without my roadgirl smiling in the rearview mirror.

As for the kids? Oh man it's been rough, especially, surprisingly moreso the the little lobster roll. She is obsessing over heaven and what you are doing up there, just last night she said "I bet Spoons is having so much fun up in heaven playing with the other dogs". I hope she's right, girl. It's amazing how kids have their philosophies- just a few days after you passed, her bff K said in the car on the way to dance "look at that cloud. Yoda (her dog who passed two years ago) is giving Spoons a tour". And the girls talked excitedly about all you'd do together while I tried to keep from welling up.

Gobbles on the other hand has taken things much more quietly. Just when I think things are ok, he'll randomly blurt out how much he misses you and wished he could have you back for just one day. He speaks for all of us miss Bear, we all would love you for just a little more time.

Cannoli seems to be taking it worst of all, moping around the house, lonely, clingy, and sad. We're thinking about getting him another friend soon so that he perks up, but no one could ever replace you.

I'm so happy to think we got an extra 6 months with you to enjoy our bucket list summer, a summer we'll never forget. The kids were so lucky to experience so many things with you that we'll all always cherish. You went to a bark-b-q, on a hayride, to a tball game (or two), to the beach in summer, to a brewery, to work with me (a lot), on long walks, on hikes, in creeks (reluctantly). You marched proudly in a 4th of July parade all patriotic'd out, facetimed with us, caught that ever elusive baby bunny (to add to your list that consisted of a groundhog and flies before), walked Gobbles to the bus stop, and watched fireworks. Daddy made you your very own filet mignon and boy did you love that!

Towards the end, we gave you more snuggles and love that most dogs receive in a lifetime. On your last night here, the kids camped out with air mattresses next to your bed and fell asleep with you by their sides. The day we had to take you in they gave you hugs and kisses and pets and love, not realizing it was the last time they'd see you. Daddy and I drove you to the vet and I sat in the backseat with you, windows open while you enjoyed the rush of the wind. You pranced into the vet with such strength and confidence that I thought maybe we'd been premature. Sadly, just a few minutes after that ray of hope, the vet confirmed what we'd been fearing, that it was time. Although we knew it all along the floodgates opened and Daddy and I held each other tight as we hugged you and stroked your soft fur for the last time. You held my gaze with those big brown eyes until your very last moment, looking at me to please and love and just be that comforting presence that you have always been.

After hearing the news of your passing the kids cried for hours, not quite understanding how you could be here one moment, gone the next. Daddy and I cried too, knowing just what we'd be missing. A faithful girl who has been by our sides through the ups and downs for almost a decade of our lives. Especially in the past year, with all our family has been through, you've been that steady source of comfort there for a good cry, hug, or snuggle.

I feel like our lives will have this marked point in time, where our memories will be distinctly separated into two periods- with Spoons and without. Obviously this will fade as time marches on as we grow and change as a family, with the Lobster being only 4 I don't know how much she'll hold on to in the future. But I know for Gobbles, I've already seen a change, another layer of skin plus another component of sensitivity. For me, it's a period that will always be with my heart, our time with the Spoonsie Bear, the best dog ever.

I love you and miss you forever Spoons.

Love,
Mommy

One step forward, two steps back

I wrote the below a week ago when I was on a 6+ hour long plane ride and not in a good place.  The conference I went to was distracting enough that I'd forgotten about it until today.  On the plane ride home I was even hopeful and positive at the thought of trying again, thyroid issues be damned.  Then I found out about the Zika virus.  It's not in the Bahamas yet, but not worth the risk of possibly trying again before that.  Or within 30 days of coming home.  Seriously, fuck it all. Now I'm back in my rut with my thyroid still stalling - 3 weeks worth of diet and exercise has yielded an almighty 1 lb loss.  So if you're keeping track that's still 9 lbs up since the D&E.  So for the spring I can look forward to wearing maternity clothes for the sole reason that nothing else fits, as I reiterate, fuck it all.

At least today I'm more on the agitated side than the sobbing side like seen here:

This is my 2nd time flying to SFO. The first was March of 2009 when I was pregnant with Gobbles.  No one knew it yet and I was giddy with excitement and my secret, but also a little scared having gone through a miscarriage a few months before.

Today it's the opposite- I should be 17 weeks pregnant but instead I'm looking out the window over the mountains letting the tears flow silently then recomposing myself before anyone has the chance to see. My book isn't distracting enough so I'm listening to my music and playing minesweeper on my phone trying to numb my brain for the 6 hour flight.  As the lyrics roll into my ears my head is filled with more.  The pain, the sting, the fucking platitudes I've been hearing for 5 weeks now. 

"It wasn't meant to be" - tell me something I don't know
"Be thankful for the children you have" - please don't imply that I'm not grateful for them have just because I'm grieving the on I lost!
"At least you know you can get pregnant" -um yea, and I know how easily the pregnancy can be over too.
"Let me know if you need anything" - don't put it on me to ask for help when it's quite obvious.  

People who really wanted to help have, even more than I needed.  with casseroles and cakes and flowers. Texts telling me they're thinking of me and calls begging me to take my kids so that I get some "me" time.  There is a woman who works in the office across the hall who has been checking in on me and being a sounding board.  Telling me I'm strong and though I will get through it's ok to take all the time I need. 

I kept telling myself that I'll enjoy this trip a lot better since I can do all the Napa wine tasting but I changed my mind. Nope. I trade that and the recently booked girls' weekend in the Bahamas (an all inclusive form of self medication) to have that baby back in my belly right now.  

Yesterday when I picked up the kids they handed me a pile of artwork like they always do.  The Lobster specified one paper plate and said "this mask is for the baby when we get another one".  It took all I had to not break down in the middle of the discovery room as I gently reminded her that yes we miss the baby and hopefully, someday, another one will come into my belly.

I don't really know where to go with this post, I do feel better getting words out on paper.  Not enough to tide me over until my "thyroiditis" is fixed and we can start trying again, but enough that when I get off the plane I won't look like I've been crying.

Out.

Joy and Sadness

It's been awhile.  A lot has happened.  There will be plenty of time to write about the fun, travel, and birthdays that have occurred since I've last written.  But right now my heart is not in it.  I can only seem to focus on the last 2 weeks as my life and plans seemed to unravel behind the scenes while I put on a happy face and plodded through.  Christmas is in two days but my spirit is somewhat broken.  I'll never let the kids see though because Lord knows they've been through enough already.

Today I should have been 13 weeks pregnant, the start of the 2nd trimester.  Instead I fielded a call from a nurse asking how I am coping, as tomorrow marks two weeks since my D&E.  Tomorrow I will hold it together as we gather with my in-laws to celebrate Christmas and the news of our new niece or nephew that will be arriving this summer when mine should have.  My sister-in-law will unwrap a gift from Disneyland Paris, baby pajamas with gingerbread men and the words Joyeux Noel.  The half to a pair purchased for a set of cousins in anticipation of their first Christmas next year.  Hubs and I spent more than a few minutes arguing about the sizing, 6 months vs 12 months (they had no 9s) or one of each?  It is now so irrelevant, one will go unused packed away in a bag in the bottom of the closet, along with the tiny Darth Vader onesie I totally forgot we bought back in October until I found it stashed alongside some Christmas presents.

I'm trying desperately to take this whole "meant-to-be" thing people keep telling me to heart, but every time I do I get angry that the rug has been pulled out from under me.  We had plans to give Gobbles the guest bed and the Lil Lobster Roll his since she's still using the crib as a daybed.  This is still going to happen but now the guest room will sit furnished with nothing but a disassembled crib, a constant reminder of what we lost, waiting in limbo to see if there's a chance it can be used again.  Part of me wants to book a vacation to escape, train for another marathon, or drink into oblivion.  The other part wants to buckle down and try again right away, despite the stress and heartbreak that comes with negative tests month after month and that 40 weeks is a long time to commit to worrying that it could all fall apart at any minute.    

I didn't mean to get so heavy, my original intention was just to introduce the following passages that I'm pasting below, entries intended to be put into the blog to track my pregnancy, typically emailed to myself during points of insomnia.  The letters are unedited so I can remember the joyful tone I so recently had and hope that it can return someday...

October 17, 2015; 3.5 weeks
Dear baby pixie dust,

I can't believe my eyes. I just found out about you an hour ago and of course now I can't sleep even though your daddy and puppies are snoring away in here.  Your aunt and uncle woke me up as they were leaving for the airport (who am I kidding. I'm always up at four in the morning).  I was tossing and turning and thinking about our impending vacation to Disney world and I couldn't shake the feeling that I should check to see if you're there. And boom, after not even testing for you this month, there was a little hello from you, clear as day, after months of searching and dozens of tests!  I was trying to hold off because we're going to the food and wine festival and I wanted to enjoy myself.  But, I justified it by thinking if you're there you're there no matter if I test or not, so I might as well see so I can take it easy.

Well little one, I really hope you stick around, this world has so much love to give.  You have a big big brother who is almost 6 and a big sister that will be 4 when you arrive sometime around June 29 of next year.  And your Daddy is the best man I know, putting his family first always and loving all of us for who we are.  

I'm getting dejavu from the night before we left for a Disney vacation in Hilton Head a few years ago, as that's when we found out I was pregnant with your sister.  We've been trying hard for you and I was getting very emotional and impatient.  I should have known that all it takes is a little faith, trust, and pixie dust. Just knowing you're here will make this vacation extra magical.

Well the alarm is now on snooze, I guess it's time to get the family up so we can get to our flight.  Your first (or not if you were here last week when I was in Austin!) flight, certainly not your last.

I love you so much already baby! 

Love, 
Mommy

October 24, 2015:

This framed photo sat on our mantle on Thanksgiving for our families to see it.  I think it's one of the most beautiful photos I've ever taken and less than a dozen people will even know of its existence.

A "first visit" pin on my belly

November 1, 2015:

racing while pregnant.

November 14, 2015
7.5 weeks

Dear Pixie Dust,

Well here we are again with another 3am letter.  We gotta stop waking up like this now and save it for when you arrive.  Anyway, your brother is snoozing away next to me because he's been having some kindergarten fears and we're not going to make him face them alone at night, especially when the world can be a big scary place sometimes.  Last night, some very bad people attacked a city that we're going to visit in a few weeks, but we can't let that scare us, or else how can we live?

Anyway, I don't want to get into world events with you right now, being not even eight weeks along.  Let's talk about all your firsts already.  First trip to Disney, check.  Besides not drinking (more than a few sips here and there), you didn't keep me from doing anything else I'd normally do and we had a blast. We got you your first set of Mickey ears and did a little photo shoot with your siblings and they were none the wiser.   Despite the exhaustion that's hit me since we've been back, I was able to run a 5k race with you at 5.5 weeks. 27:48, so a little over a 9 minute mile, which I'm happy with as I definitely didn't want to push it.

My appetite has been touch and go lately, downing chocolate milk in the morning, having a normal lunch, then turned off from eating until about 8 pm when I'll have a bowl of cereal right before bed.  Cravings are tomato soup, milk, sometimes ice cream, and Ellios pizza.  Sometimes just anything salty, definitely savory.  I don't have any aversions right now but the fact that the Halloween candy bowl has not dwindled speaks volumes.
The best thing about this week is that I got to see you! At 7 weeks, 1 day I went in for an ultrasound and there was your heart fluttering away at first 190bpm but then settling to a cool 169.  You measures at 7 weeks 4 days, and though my initial instinct was that you were a girl, the picture changed my mind and now I'm leaning towards boy.  Only about 32 weeks until we find out the truth!

The only person besides mommy and daddy who knows about you right now is mommy's coworker Miss Sandy.  She kind of guessed it and mommy needed someone to talk to. You will meet her someday and love her because she is awesome.  We plan on telling our families at thanksgiving because everyone will be together.
Well I need to try and get some sleep now, so goodnight little one, stay safe in there.  I probably won't get to hear your heartbeat again until we get back from our 10 year anniversary trip to Paris, so enjoy yourself. I love you more than you know already. 

November 25, 2015:

News for the kids at 9 weeks

December 3, 2015:

Glowing, so happy to be in Paris pregnant

I actually lit an intention at the Notre Dame Cathedral.  For a happy and healthy baby.
According to the measurements, the baby stopped growing / heart stopped beating 2 days later.

December 4, 2015:

us at Versaille

Complete bliss atop the Eiffel Tower.  Everything was perfect.

December 10, 2015
11 weeks

Dear Baby Pixie Dust,

It's your last few hours inside my belly but youre already gone.  Two days ago I found out that your heart had stopped beating when you measured 10 weeks, 5 days. My gut instincts that morning were right.  The dr said it was due to chromosomal issues based on seeing your shape.  Oh pixie dust, my heart is aching right now. 
We'd just gotten back from our anniversary trip to Paris, where you hung the whole time with all our walking and sightseeing.  I rejected all the wines and soft cheeses and even the limoncello a little old Italian man offered us after are meal at a local cafe.  Your Daddy and I excitedly chatted about our future and you.  The kids were so jealous that you got to come along on the trip.

The kids.  Yup your older brother and sister found out about you the night before thanksgiving and were elated.  Every "thankful" night since your brother hugged my belly and showed his excitement for you.  Your sister announced it in morning meeting at school the day before I found out you were gone.  We even found out that you were going to have a cousin due the day after you.  We bought matching Christmas pajamas for your first holidays together next year and everything was perfect!

Within days that little picture came crashing down.  All I wanted to do when we got back from our trip was hear the puttering of your heart on the home dopplar, as we had consistently before we left.  After 3 days of radio silence I called the doctor, wanting to be reassured that you were just hiding.  When she had no luck they sent me for a ultrasound, where I learned of your passing.  The agony I felt (and am still feeling) is like nothing I've experienced.  I feel hollow and empty and angry and lost.

The news came on the eve of your brother's birthday, so we've been trying to keep busy in the normalcy of getting his party together.  When we told the kids your big brother howled for a little while, hurt and confused and sad.  Since then I've tried to keep my tears away from your siblings so they don't feel my pain.  Instead I've talked to coworkers and friends who knew about you and cried in the car with certain songs or quietly in the middle of the night.

I know time heals all wounds, but damn I can't see it right now.  A piece of me is gone with you, kid, and I'll never forget you.  Your cousin will be a constant reminder of you but I don't want to take away any of their joy with my pain.  Now that I've had two losses, if I do ever get pregnant again I will be forever paranoid through week 40, constantly scared of the sudden loss that could be sprung on me.

You were loved by more people than you know and you will be forever in our hearts.
Goodbye baby pixie dust, I love you. 

Love, 
Mommy

Slow down and just enjoy...

Life has been a blur since the new year began, every time I seem to catch my breath something else comes up.  Work has been insane, I've had to travel every other week since Christmas (an A-B pattern as Gobbles would point out), but I'm hoping the trend is broken next week since the tentative meetings have not been finalized.

Our weekends have been filled with playdates, birthday parties, soccer games, family outings, and soon to be t-ball.  Nothing to complain about at all, we are lucky to have so many options for fun.  It does get overwhelming trying to find balance among the different social circles- family, my friends, daycare friends, hubs friends, and neighbors.  We get so excited to make plans with one group then realize we haven't seen another in too long, and the cycle goes on.  We're thankful to have a packed calendar and also so happy when we have a few hours of straight family time, especially now that the weather is gorgeous and the sunporch is open.  The kids are the perfect age because they can play outside by themselves while we throw the porch doors open to hear them from whatever task we're trying to complete inside.

Every time I've thought about writing a blog (we just had so much fun doing that, or, I want to remember this moment), a last minute fire occurs and my creative energy goes to crap.  I think about hmm well if I write about this weekend then things will be out of order if I ever get to writing about our Disney trip from January, so I need to start at the beginning.  Then I get overwhelmed and decide not to write at all.  F that, I use this outlet more than I realize to look back on the kids' milestones and our happy memories, which I don't want to stop at ages 3 and 5.  Even if I just take 15 minutes a week, I need to prioritize jotting down a few lines it just a little.

This new resolve comes on the heels of very unhappy news from the kids' school, as one of Gobbles' former classmates passed away from DIPG, an incurable form of brain cancer.  This little boy had just turned five and spent the last 10 months fighting the unimaginable.  We followed the journey of him and his family, the treatments, the make-a-wish moments, the scramble to make as many memories with him as they could.  They were amazing throughout their ordeal with their faith and positivity, all the while knowing what was inevitable.  One of the last videos they shared of him was his interaction with his younger sister, just holding her hand and being with her, both of them seeming wise beyond their years.  The news of his passing was not unexpected, but it still sent shockwaves through my heart, as I have been aching for his parents and imagining myself in their shoes, shaking the thoughts as quickly as they arrive then feeling guilty for being so selfish to worry about my own worst fears when theirs became a reality.  

Like most of the school parents we chose not to share what happened with our children.  Since the boy has been sick he was only at school a handful of times, and with the turnover they've had it's hard to tell how much Gobbles noticed his particular absence.  Only time will tell if this protection of innocence with ignorance was the right choice, but it's one subject I try to stay away from with the kids - as of right now, they believe that death is for the elderly.  I'm a coward for lying to them (they even think their turtle wanted to move back to his original owner's house), but I can't bring myself to let them feel that kind of fear, or sadness, especially when I'm not even in the place to process something happening to someone so young.

I don't really know where to go from here, but I know I want to continue making as many memories with my children as time allows, because we only get one life, and we are going to make the most out of every damn second.  That is why it's so important for me to take a little time and jot these memories down, so they'll always be here, a reminder of how much have and will continue to enjoy the gifts of live and love.

And with that, some simple moments of Love from this past winter:

Sunshine and snow and happy kids

my beautiful snowbunny

By the power of Greyskull...

And one more sweet shot

Teamwork

A boy's best friend

Be my Valentine

Pretending to be the bride

Spinning with her "boyfriend" (her label, not mine)

Valentine's playdate.  Hubs brought me a dozen roses and a single rose with baby's breath for his daughter on Valentine's day.
She told all of our guests that the dozen were from her Daddy to her, and the single was mine :)

Loving the conversations and looking like a grown-up

What began as a lunchtime "drop-off" playdate evolved into the parents coming for pickup only for us all to continue the party with pizza and beer well past the kids' bedtime.  Hubs had worked all day and came home to this, stopping to pick up the pizza and some snacks on his way.  He does not mind my spontaneous social endeavors, and I love him for that.  The kids and their friends still talk about this day with smiles on their faces and wonderful memories in their hearts.

If only they'll be this close when they're in their 20s.  Their moms can dream, right?

More snowbunny shots

Partners in crime in everything they do

Keeping cool together

I'll pull you anywhere

And I'll sit outside with you as long as you want to play

Multitudes of snow angels

Cousins ready for one last snowfall

It tastes wonderful

Carrots for breakfast?  Or is Mommy already in PJs at Dinnertime?

Teamwork in the form of a 300 piece puzzle

Making new old friends

Another daytime playdate that continued well until the deer came out for the night.  More spontaneous time with friends and more pizza pickups by hubs.  I love everything about this. 

The sleeves may have holes but those are signs of a well-loved dress.

Recycling hipster threads into princess dresses since 2015.  

A morning campout while mommy and daddy are still sleeping

Sharing her hair with her cousin

And her accessories

Getting close- past his comfort zone

Love from a special admirer from Mommy's work.  

More of a boy's best friends

This kid is so awesome... according to herself too!

Teamwork in "cooking"...

...and a tasty result!

Brother, sister, leprechaun love...

They just keep getting taller

Smiling eyes

And a little dance

Hugs, wanted or not

Our "outdoor pets"

More cooking... and eating

Finally getting outside!

Spring is just around the corner!

*I feel better having gotten some off my chest, so combined with this post and that one, i should only have one more to finish out the winter.  Hopefully before spring is over...