I wrote the below a week ago when I was on a 6+ hour long plane ride and not in a good place. The conference I went to was distracting enough that I'd forgotten about it until today. On the plane ride home I was even hopeful and positive at the thought of trying again, thyroid issues be damned. Then I found out about the Zika virus. It's not in the Bahamas yet, but not worth the risk of possibly trying again before that. Or within 30 days of coming home. Seriously, fuck it all. Now I'm back in my rut with my thyroid still stalling - 3 weeks worth of diet and exercise has yielded an almighty 1 lb loss. So if you're keeping track that's still 9 lbs up since the D&E. So for the spring I can look forward to wearing maternity clothes for the sole reason that nothing else fits, as I reiterate, fuck it all.
At least today I'm more on the agitated side than the sobbing side like seen here:
This is my 2nd time flying to SFO. The first was March of 2009 when I was pregnant with Gobbles. No one knew it yet and I was giddy with excitement and my secret, but also a little scared having gone through a miscarriage a few months before.
Today it's the opposite- I should be 17 weeks pregnant but instead I'm looking out the window over the mountains letting the tears flow silently then recomposing myself before anyone has the chance to see. My book isn't distracting enough so I'm listening to my music and playing minesweeper on my phone trying to numb my brain for the 6 hour flight. As the lyrics roll into my ears my head is filled with more. The pain, the sting, the fucking platitudes I've been hearing for 5 weeks now.
"It wasn't meant to be" - tell me something I don't know
"Be thankful for the children you have" - please don't imply that I'm not grateful for them have just because I'm grieving the on I lost!
"At least you know you can get pregnant" -um yea, and I know how easily the pregnancy can be over too.
"Let me know if you need anything" - don't put it on me to ask for help when it's quite obvious.
People who really wanted to help have, even more than I needed. with casseroles and cakes and flowers. Texts telling me they're thinking of me and calls begging me to take my kids so that I get some "me" time. There is a woman who works in the office across the hall who has been checking in on me and being a sounding board. Telling me I'm strong and though I will get through it's ok to take all the time I need.
I kept telling myself that I'll enjoy this trip a lot better since I can do all the Napa wine tasting but I changed my mind. Nope. I trade that and the recently booked girls' weekend in the Bahamas (an all inclusive form of self medication) to have that baby back in my belly right now.
Yesterday when I picked up the kids they handed me a pile of artwork like they always do. The Lobster specified one paper plate and said "this mask is for the baby when we get another one". It took all I had to not break down in the middle of the discovery room as I gently reminded her that yes we miss the baby and hopefully, someday, another one will come into my belly.
I don't really know where to go with this post, I do feel better getting words out on paper. Not enough to tide me over until my "thyroiditis" is fixed and we can start trying again, but enough that when I get off the plane I won't look like I've been crying.
Out.
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