Don't know if I'm elated or gassy, but I'm somewhere in that zone...

The length of my run can be measured by the position of the sun.
This was a 3 hour long 18 miler in November.

I turn 35 in 4 days.  Over a year ago I set a little goal for myself - to celebrate this milestone birthday, I want to run a marathon.  Not just any marathon, the happiest place on earth Disney Marathon.  Oh, and I want to do it 4 hours or less.  Because I'm crazy, and I don't want hubs to have all the bragging rights, since he will likely accomplish that goal.  In November I managed a half just shy of 1:55, so it's not completely impossible, the stars would just have to align for me to be feeling good physically, mentally, and emotionally the day of the race, which is a week from Sunday.

The journey to this race has been anything but easy.  I started out a year ago with a stress fracture and tendentious.  After some rest and healing, strength conditioning and cross training, I got myself a treadmill and a  good pair of running shoes and got to work.  The shoes have since been replaced twice over due to my sensitivity for wearing.  I began training for the Broad Street run, a race I've done twice before, in order to get a decent qualifying corral start for the marathon.  I began rewatching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix while the treadmill whirred, and as soon as the weather broke and it was light before 6am, I ditched my basement and took off into the hilly streets near my house.

I finished Broad two minutes shy of the my seven year old, pre-baby PR and 90 seconds behind my husband.  These 90 seconds have us seeded in two different corrals for the marathon, mine slated to finish between 4 hours and 4:10, so I'll have some catching up to do if I want to make goal.  At this point, I was running with Superfeet insoles in my shoes as well as a lift in my right because I have a leg length difference.  Not quite the bionic woman yet.

I took it pretty easy in the summer just maintaining mileage and building strength, then ramped training back up in August.  Every couple of weeks I seemed to be plagued by some ailment.  First came a bunion, so my foot doctor applied a dancer's pad to my left orthodic.  That caused my tendentious to flair up so I ditched that and added a support sleeve to my big toe instead.  Then came the shin splints.  I took a week off and worked on calf and hamstring strength and added compression sleeves for my legs.  Shortly after that came runners' knee, for which a bought a support band that didn't seem to work, so instead it was on to therapy and Naproxen.  I managed to wean both of them by mid-November for the half, and continued on my long training runs without incident. You know, besides taking up hours upon hours of my life running around all of creation.

December brought the 20 mile runs and freezing temperatures, leaving me soaking in a tub for post-run relief.  I got my last period 4 weeks to the hour before the marathon, so I know that will be factor #1 that I'm up against on race day.  #2 came last week, just as my taper began.  And boy was it #2, along with vomiting, the stomach bug that daycare had been passing around finally landed on me, run down and stressed out.  I managed to be ok by Christmas; however, I still had a dull stomachache.  After a week off of running because of the bug I attempted my 14 miler on Saturday and almost vomited after 5.  Same with 4 miles on the treadmill yesterday, so off to the doctor I went.  Gastritis.  Wait any longer and it's an ulcer.  So my taper is no accompanied by two different medications along with a bland carbo-load and no alcohol (which could be a good thing).  The long-term weather report is currently showing rain for race day, and I'm just hoping God throws me a bone.

Despite all of this, I am anxious and giddy to get down to Orlando and finish this race with a smile on my face.  My playlist is ready to play specific songs as I run through the parks.  I'm still in the midst of deciding whether I should Disney-fy a run outfit to go with the spirit or just go with my typical gear for efficiency.  All I know is that I better decide soon, because those start-line fireworks are ready to go off, and I'm ready to scratch this off my bucket list and never do it again :)

I might have missed logging some treadmill runs, but for 2014 my runmeter says I've spent 91 hours, 59 minutes, and 36 seconds running 578.8 miles.  Yes, I definitely could use a nap.

Before the half

After the half.  Did I mention I peed myself?  Really, not
even just a little bit.  But in the last quarter mile my body just lost all control.
and now the whole 4 people who read this blog know it too.

In a rut

Many years ago I was the captain of my high school soccer team. A decade ago my paddling partner and I set our university record for race placement on a national level for concrete canoe. A few years after that I competed in a pair of sprint triathlons and a pile of races, actually placing in 5ks twice in my age group with a PR of 24.06. Friday, I went for a run and failed to complete 2 miles, and after 20 minutes of sloughing down the path decided to call it quits. I felt like crying, it was pathetic. I called hubs but since he's been in the trenches all week at work (got home at 3:41 am yesterday morning only to leave again a few hours later), he had neither time nor sympathy for me.  Today, everyone on Facebook posted their joy about getting into the broad street lottery, which I didn't even bother to register for this year, knowing I have no time or motivation to train.  I feel like wallowing thinking about how, six years ago, I finished that race in 1:24:25.  I would give anything to run one mile in under 8 and a half minutes now, let alone 10 at that pace.  There was even one year I trained for a marathon, managing to get a stress fracture three months into training after a 14 mile run and was never able to build myself back up before entering motherhood.

I used to be an athlete.  Even after Gobbles was born, I went back to playing soccer at 8 weeks postpartum and continued playing until I was 8 weeks pregnant with the Lobster Roll.  But in the past 13 months since my 2nd baby was born, I've gone from motivated mom of two to stressed out schlub who cannot even stick to her weight watchers plan for more than 4 days straight without polishing off a TUB of leftover icing on day 5.  Since I resolved to start counting points again, I have gained and lost the same 5 lbs over a repeated 8 day cycle of strict tracking followed by binging.

I've always had a somewhat strained relationship with my body. When I was younger, the sheer amount of physical stress it went through via sports was a challenge I would push myself through and beat myself up if I couldn't perform as expected. I would take pride in the bruises - battle scars - that would appear after a rough soccer match and talked with pride of my messy ligaments from years of wear on the basketball court.

In late high school and beyond, I began to realize that as soon as I wasn't regularly attending a sports practice, the weight would creep up. I would look at my friends with envy as I realized I was in a different weight class altogether and could no longer hide behind the "athletic" excuse for weighing as much as I did. My relationship with food is totally love / hate, one day I'm a proud weight watchers point counter and the next I'm scarfing down brownies like chips. I've always struggled to find the balance for my body, with the "hate" part of the food relationship always coming during periods of inactivity.  Back in college when sticking to a strict gym schedule, I was in great shape (didn't realize it then of course) and therefore didn't shy away from eating an entire pizza in a sitting, because I'd burn it off the next day. 

I've lamented before about pregnancy and weight gain, but it's crazy that even with two totally different pregnancies, two totally different delivery methods, here I sit after my child's first birthday celebration feeling the same way - weak- and even older and worse off the second time around.  During this 6 year period or whatever it is that I'm spending having kids, part of me feels like I should just give myself a pass and not worry so much about weight or fitness in between pregnancies. But there is a bigger part of me that wants, craves, more than anything to be able to do all the things my body could do before it did what I'm most proud of, give me two beautiful kids.

Five months after Gobbles was born, I declared myself back to "pre-pregnancy" weight. It took me another five months just to lose 8 more pounds to get me to my weight watchers goal. It was around this time I was finally feeling strong again, not getting my butt kicked at soccer, and able to do push ups again without being sore for days. My showing at the broad street run when Gobbles was 17 months wasn't pathetic, but it was 22 minutes slower than my finish pre-pregnancy. I suppose I could chalk it up to lack of training or age, but now after trying to get back in shape after the 2nd pregnancy, I feel like my prime has long since passed.

Part of me is afraid to get back to it hard core because the last time I started working out again, right before we moved, I felt like my C-Section scar would burst open and my uterus would fall out I was in so much pain.  But then I think of my own moods, my snapping at the kids because I'm tired and impatient, my reluctance to get off the couch because the tv is a nice distraction, and that kind of mental pain is so much worse. 

Where is my desire to download some good music and just escape for a half hour, knowing upon my return I will be more focused, a better mom, and just one step closer to feeling good? 

I'm not sure where the motivation is, but I'm looking to get it back.  Last night when I picked up the kids from school, one of the teachers was selling girl scout cookies in the lobby.  I resisted because I know myself and the entire box would be gone in a second.  I told her just this and then started on a tangent about my lack of motivation to work out, etc.  (Have I mentioned before that these teachers double as my therapist too?  They listen to me go on and on all the time about my non-child related problems.  I love these women).  She told me that a group of them have been running 5ks for a bit and that I should do some with them.  So I think I will, because I need something to be held accountable to.  Something to distract me from the scale, which ironically would probably fall into place after I stop hyperfocusing on it and turn my motivation to healthier outcomes.  Heck, maybe I'll even take on a mud run.

So, here's to hoping I can snap out of this rut and get moving again, be a better me for me, in turn making me a better mom for them and a better wife to their father:


<3 td="">

Ohhh, so the reason you wanted to make chocolate covered strawberries was to eat the extra chocolate, huh?

 

Resolve

To do better.  To try harder.  To live life to the fullest.  To make my family the happiest they can be.

2012 was probably most stressful, most complicated, most eventful year of my life.  New baby, new job (for me), we sold a house, bought a house, and are finally trying to settle in and just enjoy all of these things in 2013.  Hubs requested no life changes for the next 12 months, and my tired old self is feeling very inclined to agree with him.  We will relax and enjoy all of the blessings we have been given, because time is going by way to fast.

When I worked for a large company, we had so many strict rules with our annual reviews and goals.  They HAD to be specific in that these goals were quantitative and measurable.  In order for me to actually meet my new years resolutions, I think I need to do just that.  Maybe I'll do a 6 month review in July to see how I'm doing. So, here goes, in no particular order:

Short Term Goals (to be completed by the end of January):

1) Blogging:  Finish 3 of the drafts that are in my Post List, and complete two new posts.  This current post does not count.  If in order to achieve this I do posts without pictures it doesn't matter, just post the darn thoughts before they're outdated and irrelevant.  As the Lil Lobster Roll is getting bigger, I keep looking back at Gobbles' posts from that age for comparison and reminders.  It makes me so happy that I documented a lot of his milestones because I wouldn't remember otherwise.  I owe the same to my baby girl.
2) Home:  Get the basement set up and in order.  In order means able to exercise down there in the morning and host a party that afternoon.  Anything not "unpacked" will be sorted and stored properly.  After the boxes in the basement are done, we will have opened up every box that moved with us and made some kind of decision about its contents and I'll have the ability to say we are officially complete with unpacking.  Also, install permanent miniblinds in the hall bathroom and our bedroom.
3) Health: Get back to it with weight watchers - start tracking again on the 7th and hit a meeting by the 15th.  Make it to two meetings before the month is over and stay for the duration of each.  Exercise in some form at least 2x a week for this month.  Yes I'm setting the bar low considering I haven't worked out a single muscle since August.  No more weeknight beer after the 7th and wine is limited to 4oz / night at the most. 
4) Family:  Keep the momentum of this family high I have going throughout the month of January.  We spent so much time with our kiddos over their break (we alternated working, but they just went back to school today), that I've felt more settled and happy than ever.  The kids are starting swim lessons on Saturday morning so there's at least an hour each week of structured family time.  Church is another that I'm trying to convince hubs to follow through with after the holidays are over.


Long term Goals (over 2013):

1) Blogging:  5 Posts every two months.  3 with pictures.  This is beyond doable and there aren't any more excuses.
2) Home:  Cut down the birch that's too close to the house and the pine back by the fence.  Stain the swingset.  Paint the dining room.  Get curtains for the kitchen, master bedroom, and hall bath.  Buy a grill.
3) Health:  Continue attending weight watchers meetings even beyond when I get back to goal.  That's where I always slip up - hit goal then eat my face off.  2 meetings / month all year.  No excuses.  Dye my hair, for the first time ever.
4) Family:  1 date night per month with hubs.  Even if it's a night in without the kiddos, we need to take time for our relationship too.  Schedule at least 1 activity per weekend as a family, as small as a dog walk or as big as a trip to the zoo (especially with our new membership - thanks mom!).  Now that the stress of moving is behind us we don't need to sit inside and play all weekend.
5) Friends: Attend at least 2 social engagements per month to see my girls. This can be as simple as a playdate or worktime lunch or as big as a party.
6) Neighborhood:  Accept at least 4 social invitations this year to participate in neighborhood activities.  I'm loving our little stepford neighborhood and the Christmas party, although odd because we knew nobody, turned out to be a lot of fun.  This will benefit Gobbles and the Lobster Roll in the long run to have friends within walking distance of the house.
7) Finances:  Begin rebuilding a healthy savings again after the home downpayment took most of it as well as establish regular substantial contributions to the kids' college funds.  Pay off my car and hubs' student loans.  Use a budget program to track our spending and limit our "fun" money until daycare costs get lower or we win the lottery. 
8) Parenting:  Foster relationships for Gobbles that he wishes to pursue.  If there is a kid in his class he wants to invite over, let him.  Accept invitations from his classmates (which we've been good at doing so far, just need to keep up).  Establish more Lobster Roll / Momma time, or at least more age appropriate activities for her so that she isn't watching her brother develop and trying to keep up with things beyond her grasp.  At least 1 hour a day on nonwork days, the fun will be geared towards a 12-24 month old, not a 3 year old.  The rest of the time I'm sure she'll be very content following her big brother around, her current little role model.
9) Happiness:  Gratitude, once a day, every day.  No need to publish, but during my drive or before bed, just take a minute and be thankful and happy.