look ma, no hands!

there he is! sitting up, unassisted, long enough for me to snap a picture before he topples over. i'm proud of my lil man. and somewhat ashamed that i was not quick enough when he did topple over and he konked his head on the floor. twice. didn't seem to bother him much though, a minute of hugs and raspberries and all was forgotten (hence the reason it happened again, i'm not a bad mom i just forget sometimes...)

it's been a good week, we've let gobbles fuss a bit during the night instead of flying out of bed to replace the paci. and surprisingly enough, he's actually gone right back to sleep most times. this better night mood could also be attributed to the fact that he's now eating food twice a day - sweet potatoes with his 2nd bottle at daycare and cereal at dinnertime. next week, we try peaches!

and in two weeks, it's d-day for momma! d as in get these boobs back down to a d cup (or below!!!). my current weaning plan is this: right now i've gotten myself down to pumping just once a day, using that and the freezer supply to fill his daycare bottles. still currently breastfeeding in the morning and night. come d-day, gobbles will get his first taste of formula, first one bottle a day, then two, and so on. that same day i'll stop nursing in the morning and only give him the boob for bedtime. after he builds up to all of his bottles becoming formula, and my body has slowed to just nursing at bedtime, i'll cut that out too. boy i sure do sound like the sweet, nurturing mother, don't i? i figure this will probably take about a month, so hopefully by july 4th i'll be able to kick back and have some beers without worrying about being wasteful by pumping / dumping.

bring on the cabbage leaves!

another sign the kid's getting too old for the boob: when he can hold the camera and take self portraits, myspace style.

a step in the right direction

i woke up this morning with a bit of a hangover-like feeling having watched hours upon hours of LOST last night. seriously, it's a tv show, but like jon & kate +8 did last year when they announced their divorce, the feeling i got from watching stayed with me through a nights' sleep. i re-watched the last 20 minutes, and after some thought and reflection i've decided i'm happy with the ending, and left with a feeling of peace.

the notion that everything will work out as it's supposed to, coupled with the uplifting comments from you ladies on that last post, has given me a better outlook on today, which will hopefully last for awhile. i am feeling calm and optimistic. be good to people, be happy, and happiness will remain with me.

this little bout of confidence might also be brought on by another thing i have to celebrate. at weight watchers on saturday, i weighed in at my pre-pregnancy weight. BOOYA!

hormonal

i think i've figured out why i've been in such a rotten mood the past couple weeks. first, i'm sure stress has a lot to do with it, playing the job game is taking up a lot of my mind... the game goes like this: can i get a new job with a great commute and good work / life balance before i get sent away on a project across the country? i mean, if i knew i was going to be assigned locally for the remainder of the year, i'd be fine to stick with what i'm doing. but the nature of the beast is, boom, go to the middle of nowhere next tuesday! and stay for 8 weeks. i've never lived in such fear of anything as much as i dread getting a call from one of the senior managers with that message.

but, even when the job has been put out of my mind, i still seem to be the queen of bittertown. dropping snide remarks about why this pisses me off or that is so annoying or i'm jealous of this person or that. there is NO reason for me to be like this. none. and logical gobblesmom tells myself, concentrate on your job, your home, your family, and your BABY. somehow, crazyass nutso gobblesmom can't seem to just relax and enjoy it.

finally, after hearing just about enough from me, hubs spoke up, treading ever so lightly, "i think maybe you have a bit of postpartum". he was right to tread lightly, because i just about took his head off. "postpartum what? what are you saying? postpartum depression? it's a bit LATE for that, don't you think? and it's not like i want to harm my baby like those crazy bitches out there, i LOVE my child and would never want to hurt him!"

as much as i resented his accusations, it made me sit back and think... well i'm not pregnant anymore, but my body is still not completely my own. my milk supply has been completely wonky since gobbles started daycare. first i was pumping so much that there was an oversupply, then it took a nosedive. sometimes i'll wake up leaking, others just ridiculously sore. maybe my body is still adjusting and re-adjusting to the demands i'm putting on it.

it would be easy to blame hormones for my mood, but there may be some truth in it. when i first started the pill in college, i became the most evil bitch one could imagine, going as far as ruining one of my closest friendships. i thank god every day that a few years later i was lucky enough to get a second chance, as this friend still remains one of my best. years down the road, when i went off the pill, the raging bitch returned. a little more mature, i was able to control myself more and not kill any relationships, but i still had that bitterness inside. somehow, during my pregnancy, the hormonal mess remained, for the most part, at bay. likely due to the excitement and the anticipation of the upcoming bundle of joy.

now that i am back to work and have moments alone with my thoughts during the day, maybe it is creeping back. again, i can't just blame hormones for my thoughts, feelings, and actions, but it does make me feel a little better knowing why i feel the way i do. and that there is an end.

i have 3 weeks to make it to my goal of breastfeeding for 6 months. i have enough milk in the freezer that i can probably start dropping a pumping during the day. i am ready to start weaning, and i'm looking forward to having my body all to myself for awhile. at least until child number 2 decides to take up residence, which i'll start looking into in another year.

in the meantime, let's have another round of happiness training:

This week I am thankful for:

- playing soccer. cheesy i know, but the euphoria i feel after running around kicking a ball as hard as i can for 90 minutes each sunday gets me motivated to start the week off right... i've been playing for 22 years and still have an odd pride in my "battle scars", aka unsightly bruises.

- Thomas' bagel thins. only ONE point! i've been making breakfast sandwiches every morning with egg whites, one thin slice of cheese, and these bagels, for a great 3 point start to my day. sometimes i even have them for lunch too!

- The hippie lady dog groomer. sure, when i went to pick up the puppies she began discussing the use of medicinal marijuana in cats, but she does a great job grooming and my living room has been spoonsie bear hair free for days!

Goals:

- Get into a routine. Walk the dogs in the morning, exercise, or take a walk during lunch. even on the days i work from home i need to get OUT for some kind of "commute" to get fresh air.

- Continue diet tracking. I got way off course for a few weeks, but now that weaning will begin, i cannot afford the extra calories!

and finally - take advantage of the dogs' interest in the kid starting to crawl. just look at how encouraging cannoli is being!

enjoy the weekend all. your normal happy gobblesmom will return soon!

springtime is for...

... relaxing with good friends:

... recovering from the seasonal ailments:

... making new friends:

... chatting in the shade:

... and having fun in the sun!

it was a full weekend to say the least. little man was sick, then not, then fussy, then happy. we made it to hazleton and got to hang out with family and friends. we made it back and dealt with an poopy-ing puppy (due to something she ate at the boarder).

we decided he was a little too irate for daycare monday so he stayed home and helped mommy work. and mommy found yet another use for the boppy - a baby / toy catch-all. for when baby can juuuust about sit up but still can pitch forward or sideways.

and yes, i know i said it before, but i swear this time it has to be a tooth. he cannot get enough of his sophie right now! nom nom nom....

stop the bus...

i wanna be lonely

when seconds pass slowly

and years go FLYIN by

gotta stop the bus - i get off here!

-Ben Folds

that song has been flitting through my head for weeks now. at least the couple of lines i quoted above. though i think i disagree with the "seconds pass slowly" part. because nowadays it seems as though every second is picking up and going quicker and quicker than the last. i know i know, woe is me, you've heard it all before. probably because i write what's on my mind, and that's all that's on my mind.

this week was a series of happenings, and it's friday already! first, sunday was my first mothers' day, as well as gobbles' 5 month mark. i spent the day eating enough to put my diet and the rest of my weight watchers class to shame, i think i've taken back about 3 weeks' of progress because of it! oh well, everything from the breakfast my husband made me to the picas pizza and funfetti cake at dinner at my mom's was worth every calorie. and hey, i ran some of it off at soccer in between...


on happenings of actual importance - two friends had beautiful baby boys this week! i had the priveledge of meeting one and hope to meet the other soon enough. they are both adorable and i'm so incredibly happy for my friends. holding the little 8 lb cutie felt so different than hauling around my 20 lb giant, it's amazing how much change happens so quickly, congratulations girls and embrace every minute with the little ones, because they just don't seem to be little for long!

First tee I ever got for him, I was 5 weeks pregnant. And now it barely fits!

on the parenting side, we've hit an unexpected milestone with mr. gobbles. i wouldn't even really call it a milestone, more like a speedbump. this week all of the sudden he's become super clingy to me, rejecting the bottle from my husband before bedtime and only wanting the boob. daycare mentioned the same thing. i hope this is only temporary, that he's just in a mood, because weaning starts in t minus 3 weeks and he has to be ok with it or it's a no go. and i NEED to start weaning. see, with my head being in a million places, i actually FORGOT a critical piece to my pump yesterday at work and didn't realize it until i went into the pumping room and had all my stuff set up. i had some things that needed to get done before i left the office, so by the time i got home, i was leaking all over and crying in pain. an hour and 24 ounces later i felt sweet relief! so yes, the weaning must start soon because i'm not sure how much longer this can go on.


other than that, i'm just trying to hang onto the little moments as much as i can. my favorite time right now is weekend mornings. gobbles lets us sleep in until 7 or 7:30, then i'll get up and feed him and bring him back into bed with us. he'll sit there and giggle, talk, roll around, do tummy time, or just stare at the fan while he holds our hands and sucks his paci. those few quiet minutes, with just our little family, make up for all the craziness the week has thrown at us. if i could push pause once a week, it would be then.


this weekend, it's time for gobbles to see his roots - off to his daddy's hometown. and before we go, all i need to do is finish work, get the dogs to the boarder, change the poopy sheets in the crib (yes we wokr up this morning to the stench of a poopy diaper explosion. little man didnt seem to mind to much, slept right through it - or in it i should say. ew.), vacuum the house, and pack. oh yea and pick up the baby from daycare! so why am i wasting my time blogging? i have NO idea.

Yea, lazybones, get up and do stuff already!

my head is exploding

i am pooped. exhausted. would love to just lay down on the couch and nap. ahhh, nap. though i spend more than half my working days at home, with gobbles at daycare, i am getting less sleep than ever before. it's anxiety, stress, plans, worries, hopes, everything rolled into one that has me up at 3am with my mind racing and not settling again until 5, just when gobbles begins to stir and it starts all over. EVERY NIGHT.

granted, this week has been extra tough - 2 interviews, 1 job rejection (praying that the 2nd interview yeilds the opposite results), 1 daytrip, and 1 final. well, the final was for hub's, but i may as well have been the one taking it, last night was the first night we hung out in almost a week. he's been holed up in the upstairs room leaving me to fend for myself with the working, interviews, a teething baby, and two poor attention-neglected puppies.

we were supposed to switch off who gets the gobbles' night duty, every other night. yet somehow i ended up doing it all week. i figure, what the heck, i'm up anyway, and a part of me thinks "well he just can't get gobbles to stop fussing like i can". but it's a bad habit to get into because i'm starting to resent my husband for the amount he is sleeping when i wake up every morning in a dreary haze. i tell myself, oh well you can sneak a nap in during lunch, or after this conference call. but instead, i'll do a quick chore so the weekend will be easier for us. then i get mad because i'm the one doing said chore.

i know i sound like a bitter hag, but really i do have hope that this will end. i keep thinking, "if i get this job, all will be right with the world". the last time i put so much energy into fantasizing about a job i went three rounds of interviews before getting rejected. i know i'm a bad interview, i come off as either too insecure, or as i gain confidence, probably to cocky. i've just never been comfortable with myself enough to act normal when meeting new people. strange since i work with new people every day, but it's different, because i'm already hired as the consultant, i don't have to impress anyone. this is probably the same reason i have not really made new friends on my own since high school.

ok, enough of the pity party. i will get through it, and if i don't get the job then it wasn't meant to be, blahblahblah.

my biggest pet peeve is people who complain about something but do nothing to change it - i have no money - then either stop pissing it away on expensive crap, stuff you don't NEED, and stop going out every night for dinner and drinks! i hate my job - then get a new one! i'm fat - then stop pigging out and having beer all the time! i hate my apartment / house - why didn't you think before you moved in!

i feel so hypocritical at the moment because i feel like i'm becoming all of the above, and i need to take a timeout and 1) be thankful for what i have and 2) set some goals for personal improvement. once a week i will update both these lists so i can become more positive and happy overall. here goes the first stab:

I am thankful for:

- My son. No matter how bad it is, all i need is one hug, smile, or laugh from you, and, for that moment, it is all washed away.

- My husband. For giving me the confidence that no matter what happens, I'll always have a rock to lean on.

- My family and friends. I told three people about the aforementioned job rejection. Within hours, i had phone calls from each of these people telling me that it will be ok and reassuring me that i'm awesome.

- Happiness for others. I got two shower invitations in the mail yesterday. I know there will be many more to come this year (for 2010, it'll be 7 babies and 5 weddings). I have been so lucky in my life and I tear up at the thought of the ones i love feeling this same joy. (two momma's little ones will be here in a matter of days!!)

Goals for the week:

- Do not think about, talk about, or WORRY about the job that you are hoping for. The interview is done, thank you note is written, there is nothing you can do but wait!

- Lose the guilt. I hate missing out on things, mostly because I feel like i'm letting others down. i have to stop feeling guilty about turning down invitations to parties, get togethers, benefits, etc. now that i have a kid, it's a big deal to try and make it to one event in a weekend, let alone two or three. my priorities have changed and it's not worth getting upset over.

- Spend more time outside. it's so beautiful out and i'm just wasting it away. everything else can wait.

- Log the "little things" to be thankful for. Those mentioned above are great, but it's remembering the little things that will make you truly happy

kudos to you if you are still reading at this point, because this was a whole mess of stuff that's been swirling through my head in need to get out. i know it probably doesn't even make sense, so thanks for listening. i should sleep better tonight...

and for that heavy burden of you having read that - here's something to lighten the mood.

First time in my high chair - bring on tha food!

Post meal relaxation time...