One step forward, two steps back

I wrote the below a week ago when I was on a 6+ hour long plane ride and not in a good place.  The conference I went to was distracting enough that I'd forgotten about it until today.  On the plane ride home I was even hopeful and positive at the thought of trying again, thyroid issues be damned.  Then I found out about the Zika virus.  It's not in the Bahamas yet, but not worth the risk of possibly trying again before that.  Or within 30 days of coming home.  Seriously, fuck it all. Now I'm back in my rut with my thyroid still stalling - 3 weeks worth of diet and exercise has yielded an almighty 1 lb loss.  So if you're keeping track that's still 9 lbs up since the D&E.  So for the spring I can look forward to wearing maternity clothes for the sole reason that nothing else fits, as I reiterate, fuck it all.

At least today I'm more on the agitated side than the sobbing side like seen here:

This is my 2nd time flying to SFO. The first was March of 2009 when I was pregnant with Gobbles.  No one knew it yet and I was giddy with excitement and my secret, but also a little scared having gone through a miscarriage a few months before.

Today it's the opposite- I should be 17 weeks pregnant but instead I'm looking out the window over the mountains letting the tears flow silently then recomposing myself before anyone has the chance to see. My book isn't distracting enough so I'm listening to my music and playing minesweeper on my phone trying to numb my brain for the 6 hour flight.  As the lyrics roll into my ears my head is filled with more.  The pain, the sting, the fucking platitudes I've been hearing for 5 weeks now. 

"It wasn't meant to be" - tell me something I don't know
"Be thankful for the children you have" - please don't imply that I'm not grateful for them have just because I'm grieving the on I lost!
"At least you know you can get pregnant" -um yea, and I know how easily the pregnancy can be over too.
"Let me know if you need anything" - don't put it on me to ask for help when it's quite obvious.  

People who really wanted to help have, even more than I needed.  with casseroles and cakes and flowers. Texts telling me they're thinking of me and calls begging me to take my kids so that I get some "me" time.  There is a woman who works in the office across the hall who has been checking in on me and being a sounding board.  Telling me I'm strong and though I will get through it's ok to take all the time I need. 

I kept telling myself that I'll enjoy this trip a lot better since I can do all the Napa wine tasting but I changed my mind. Nope. I trade that and the recently booked girls' weekend in the Bahamas (an all inclusive form of self medication) to have that baby back in my belly right now.  

Yesterday when I picked up the kids they handed me a pile of artwork like they always do.  The Lobster specified one paper plate and said "this mask is for the baby when we get another one".  It took all I had to not break down in the middle of the discovery room as I gently reminded her that yes we miss the baby and hopefully, someday, another one will come into my belly.

I don't really know where to go with this post, I do feel better getting words out on paper.  Not enough to tide me over until my "thyroiditis" is fixed and we can start trying again, but enough that when I get off the plane I won't look like I've been crying.

Out.

6 YEARS!

I started writing this entry a few weeks ago.  I wasn't too wrapped up in the emotion of my boy getting older because I was so wrapped up in other issues as I last posted.  But now that I'm finally giving this a title and all I'm starting to well up.  I remember writing his 6 month letter and it seems like yesterday.  And now we're 1/3 of the way to 18.  PLEASE slow down, time.

Dear Gobbles,

Your 6th birthday came this year amid a flutter of chaos in our house but still you handled it with the grace and maturity of a much older kid.   As always, I am incredibly thankful for that.  Buddy, you seem so grown up right now, only in kindergarten but already my little helper with chores and your sister and just an all around good guy.  When we get home from school you hop out and get the mail, let the dogs out, bring them back in and wipe their paws, feed them, and start your homework.  Sure, you put up a bit of a fight with the homework but I get it, you don't get home til after 6 and you're hungry and tire and it's the last thing you want to do when there's tv to watch and you just want to unwind.  But you're good at it, you breeze through it and I'll just give it a quick check and you're on your way.   Like me, you spend more time fighting over doing it than you spend actually doing it!

School is going well for you, academically I have no worries as you're already interested in math up to multiplication and you're reading all the books school sends home.  The fall has been a bit touch and go with your friends.  You have two bffs you've had since you started in the infant room and I think the rule of 3 is coming in when you guys are deciding what to what to play at recess.  Batman vs Star Wars (you fighting for the latter) between two stubborn kids and the tiebreaker.  You've branched out though and I've heard you talk about other kids you've become friends with.  You also have your girlfriend D who you know I love and your sister is bffs with her sis (and her mom and I get along famously).  You are always so sweet with her, holding her hand and sharing your stuff, even holding doors with her. I love it.  

And speaking of sweet, you have the biggest heart of any 6 year old I know, always drawing pictures for me or making extra airplanes for your sister.  I am so incredibly proud of you for what you decided to do for your birthday party this year.  We found out you could have parties at the local SPCA, so we asked you and of course you jumped all over the idea of having dogs and cats at your party.  I gave you an option of getting presents from your friends like normal or requesting donations (presents for the dogs and cats) instead.  You didn't even hesitate when you said Mommy, the dogs don't even have homes, we need to bring them presents.   Your intentions were so sweet and my heart is still swollen with pride.  Your party ended up being a big success, with other kids loving the animals just as you do.  Despite the offer though, no one went home with any live party favors!

Finally, since I missed the entire fall a few updates on you.
-Your favorite color has shifted from yellow to red because you are a jr sith lord who was emperor palpatine on Halloween and Darth Vader and now Kilo Ren are your heroes.  We saw Star Wars a few days ago and you sat agape the entire show, enthralled for over two hours.  You still have an immense interest in science and planets and all that fun and seem to understand the big picture when we explain things like season change and even day and night.
-You got your report card and of the nearly 90 ranked kindergarten assessments you received 3/3 on all but 3 of them.  You know you're a smart kid but please, always remember to work hard and not give up.
-You've currently changed your career choice from engineer to dog rescuer.  You don't care that Daddy and I told you that wasn't really a "career", because that's what you're going to do.  Yes, you have gotten a bit more argumentative in your old age but if you didn't I'd start to wonder where you came from.
-You already eat like a teenager in terms of quantity and love fruit.  Your palate has recently expanded from just ordering pizza or mac n cheese at restaurants to burgers and more.  You haven't stopped talking about the chicken parm I made for you and you even ate loads of clams Daddy made on New Years Eve.  Keep it up, always be open to new things because you never know what you'll like.
-You may or may not become the next american ninja warrior.  You can climb trees and monkey bars with ease and can maneuver yourself on top of them in ways that I even can't.  Just please be careful up there buddy.

Well my favorite time of the day is almost here - when I pick you guys up from school and you greet me with the best hug and Hi Mommy! in the world, usually followed by Look at this ___ I made today!

I love you more than you'll ever know! (and yes, as you told me when I said this on your birthday Mo-om, you ALWAYS write that....)

Love,
Mommy

You made star wars puppets during after-care one day.  You made your sister
put on a puppet show with you and it was awesome. 

You loved this horse so much you asked if we could get one. 

Yup, that's an adult order. No problem for you. 

A boy and his best friends. 

You do still go back to your old faithfuls.. Make your own pizza? Every. Time. 

Just a leisurely ride through the neighborhood. 

this is you (in the blue) after I told you to NOT go as high.  To me
this is still too high!

A sick day at my work, you made no complaints about doing some math too...

You prefer apple pie (or cookies) to cake...

She loves you so much.  

One of the many things to decorate your mini-adult room.  Others include more posters,
a lightsaber lamp, star wars decals, and a full size bed complete with Star Wars comforter. 

Best birthday party ever.  As you've been told!

A random weeknight with your girlfriend.

Your favorite Santa gift - the Force Push

I forgot to mention what a great helper you are with putting things together.
Here you are taking apart the daybed/crib to move out of your sisters room. 

Legos = awesome!

Day 2 of Christmas break at grandmom's house. yikes!

Day three of Christmas break at work with me.  That day you told one of my
coworkers how funny it was when Spoons jumped on you and it "tickled my wee wee..." yikes again!

Your new old favorite game, chess.

Finally! A seafood eater.  Yummy clams. 

Your New Years' Kiss at midnight!

I have a feeling this will get a lot of use this summer!