My Precious Rainbow Baby (34 weeks)

Like a small boat on the ocean

Sending big waves into motion

Like how a single word 

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

Dear Rainbow Baby,

Hey there little one! This letter has been a very long time coming.  I've been wondering what to say for months and also pretty afraid to jinx anything with you. Now all of the sudden we're coming down the home stretch- 6 weeks to go!- and I can't wait to meet you!

We've finished the nursery and started the work baby pool. I'm expecting you a little early just bc you're measuring big- a whole week ahead! Each day I change my mind whether you're a boy or a girl, my cravings have run the gamut with you- French onion soup in the first tri and Wawa sizzlies. For months now it's been orange juice, grapefruit, or carnation instant breakfast. I'm dying of thirst each night but have heartburn so much as well. I feel a little bit like I did my pregnancy with your big brother Gobbles and a little bit like with your sister the Lil Lobster Roll. Daddy has been solidly in the boy camp ever since he saw your first ultrasound picture at 7 weeks but I keep going back and forth wondering just who you are!

I'm writing this at 5am bc sleep is getting less comfortable- it seems 3am is your favorite time to start a dance party in my belly. I don't mind at all, I'm just trying to embrace every minute of this because I know it is fleeting and you're most likely to be the last one to inhibit my cozy belly. I'm pretty sure you'll be the tallest of the babies bc the alien- like stretches we can see rolling around my belly are unreal. The other night Daddy felt a distinct leg right around my belly button and it freaked him out. The next day your siblings felt it and thought it was so cool. Even though I weigh more than I ever have, I've gained the least amount of weight with you- 33lbs so far as opposed to 46 with the other two. I guess I shouldn't talk just yet with time still to go, but all of that is the last thing I worry about anyway! You've made me dizzy with low blood pressure for the better part of weeks 28-32, but I feel like that has improved as well.

The world you'll be entering is pretty chaotic, we're always running from one activity to the next with Gobbles and the Lobster roll, so there's never a dull moment. You've already been to Disney World in my belly and will be there again at 4 months old with my mom squad and all of your extended brothers and sisters. Get used to it, we're a Disney family and have at least 40 years worth of trips ahead of us! Don't worry, we plan on exploring other parts of the world too as you get older, your siblings have already been bitten by the cruising bug and are begging to hit up another one soon.

Besides your brother and sister you're also entering a home with two senior dogs, Cannoli and Zorro. Cannoli has been with us almost 11 years and we just got 8/9 year old Zorro- it's a long story., but we've only had him a few months. You have a dog up in Heaven named Spoons, you would have loved her so much. She faced a tough battle last year and we lost her when you were about 10 weeks along in my belly. The kids still talk about her every day so I'm sure you will hear a lot about her, always in our hearts.

My little rainbow, you have no idea how special you are to me, to our family. We went through a lot to get you, more than we had to for your brother or sister. A lot of patience, pain, struggle, and heartache. We are over the moon happy that you'll finally be joining us in a little over a month, because you are gonna be one awesome little kid and we love you so incredibly much. I'm so sorry that you will be a whole 5 years younger than the lobster, but it wasn't in the cards to have you closer to her age. That will just mean more mommy and you time when the other two are off in school. You'll also be very lucky to have your brother and sister old enough to help care for you, play with you, read to you (you probably heard your brother reading dr. Suess the other night- he was excellent!), and give you twice the love without the jealousy/ rivalry.  And since Mommy and Daddy have been around the block before with the whole newborn/ baby/ toddler thing, you'll realize how much we've relaxed on- you'll get to sleep in our bed, have less restrictions on tv, and be able to eat more junk than they ever did- there are some perks to being the baby :)!

Well my rainbow, the alarm will go off in 90 minutes so it's time for me to try and get one last nap in, Cannoli has just curled up on top of me and you are digging a limb into my ribcage. I'm glad I finally got to let you know how much I'm thinking about you, and always know that Mommy, Daddy, Gobbles, and the Lil Lobster Roll love you more than you'll ever know.

Love,
Mommy

One step forward, two steps back

I wrote the below a week ago when I was on a 6+ hour long plane ride and not in a good place.  The conference I went to was distracting enough that I'd forgotten about it until today.  On the plane ride home I was even hopeful and positive at the thought of trying again, thyroid issues be damned.  Then I found out about the Zika virus.  It's not in the Bahamas yet, but not worth the risk of possibly trying again before that.  Or within 30 days of coming home.  Seriously, fuck it all. Now I'm back in my rut with my thyroid still stalling - 3 weeks worth of diet and exercise has yielded an almighty 1 lb loss.  So if you're keeping track that's still 9 lbs up since the D&E.  So for the spring I can look forward to wearing maternity clothes for the sole reason that nothing else fits, as I reiterate, fuck it all.

At least today I'm more on the agitated side than the sobbing side like seen here:

This is my 2nd time flying to SFO. The first was March of 2009 when I was pregnant with Gobbles.  No one knew it yet and I was giddy with excitement and my secret, but also a little scared having gone through a miscarriage a few months before.

Today it's the opposite- I should be 17 weeks pregnant but instead I'm looking out the window over the mountains letting the tears flow silently then recomposing myself before anyone has the chance to see. My book isn't distracting enough so I'm listening to my music and playing minesweeper on my phone trying to numb my brain for the 6 hour flight.  As the lyrics roll into my ears my head is filled with more.  The pain, the sting, the fucking platitudes I've been hearing for 5 weeks now. 

"It wasn't meant to be" - tell me something I don't know
"Be thankful for the children you have" - please don't imply that I'm not grateful for them have just because I'm grieving the on I lost!
"At least you know you can get pregnant" -um yea, and I know how easily the pregnancy can be over too.
"Let me know if you need anything" - don't put it on me to ask for help when it's quite obvious.  

People who really wanted to help have, even more than I needed.  with casseroles and cakes and flowers. Texts telling me they're thinking of me and calls begging me to take my kids so that I get some "me" time.  There is a woman who works in the office across the hall who has been checking in on me and being a sounding board.  Telling me I'm strong and though I will get through it's ok to take all the time I need. 

I kept telling myself that I'll enjoy this trip a lot better since I can do all the Napa wine tasting but I changed my mind. Nope. I trade that and the recently booked girls' weekend in the Bahamas (an all inclusive form of self medication) to have that baby back in my belly right now.  

Yesterday when I picked up the kids they handed me a pile of artwork like they always do.  The Lobster specified one paper plate and said "this mask is for the baby when we get another one".  It took all I had to not break down in the middle of the discovery room as I gently reminded her that yes we miss the baby and hopefully, someday, another one will come into my belly.

I don't really know where to go with this post, I do feel better getting words out on paper.  Not enough to tide me over until my "thyroiditis" is fixed and we can start trying again, but enough that when I get off the plane I won't look like I've been crying.

Out.

Joy and Sadness

It's been awhile.  A lot has happened.  There will be plenty of time to write about the fun, travel, and birthdays that have occurred since I've last written.  But right now my heart is not in it.  I can only seem to focus on the last 2 weeks as my life and plans seemed to unravel behind the scenes while I put on a happy face and plodded through.  Christmas is in two days but my spirit is somewhat broken.  I'll never let the kids see though because Lord knows they've been through enough already.

Today I should have been 13 weeks pregnant, the start of the 2nd trimester.  Instead I fielded a call from a nurse asking how I am coping, as tomorrow marks two weeks since my D&E.  Tomorrow I will hold it together as we gather with my in-laws to celebrate Christmas and the news of our new niece or nephew that will be arriving this summer when mine should have.  My sister-in-law will unwrap a gift from Disneyland Paris, baby pajamas with gingerbread men and the words Joyeux Noel.  The half to a pair purchased for a set of cousins in anticipation of their first Christmas next year.  Hubs and I spent more than a few minutes arguing about the sizing, 6 months vs 12 months (they had no 9s) or one of each?  It is now so irrelevant, one will go unused packed away in a bag in the bottom of the closet, along with the tiny Darth Vader onesie I totally forgot we bought back in October until I found it stashed alongside some Christmas presents.

I'm trying desperately to take this whole "meant-to-be" thing people keep telling me to heart, but every time I do I get angry that the rug has been pulled out from under me.  We had plans to give Gobbles the guest bed and the Lil Lobster Roll his since she's still using the crib as a daybed.  This is still going to happen but now the guest room will sit furnished with nothing but a disassembled crib, a constant reminder of what we lost, waiting in limbo to see if there's a chance it can be used again.  Part of me wants to book a vacation to escape, train for another marathon, or drink into oblivion.  The other part wants to buckle down and try again right away, despite the stress and heartbreak that comes with negative tests month after month and that 40 weeks is a long time to commit to worrying that it could all fall apart at any minute.    

I didn't mean to get so heavy, my original intention was just to introduce the following passages that I'm pasting below, entries intended to be put into the blog to track my pregnancy, typically emailed to myself during points of insomnia.  The letters are unedited so I can remember the joyful tone I so recently had and hope that it can return someday...

October 17, 2015; 3.5 weeks
Dear baby pixie dust,

I can't believe my eyes. I just found out about you an hour ago and of course now I can't sleep even though your daddy and puppies are snoring away in here.  Your aunt and uncle woke me up as they were leaving for the airport (who am I kidding. I'm always up at four in the morning).  I was tossing and turning and thinking about our impending vacation to Disney world and I couldn't shake the feeling that I should check to see if you're there. And boom, after not even testing for you this month, there was a little hello from you, clear as day, after months of searching and dozens of tests!  I was trying to hold off because we're going to the food and wine festival and I wanted to enjoy myself.  But, I justified it by thinking if you're there you're there no matter if I test or not, so I might as well see so I can take it easy.

Well little one, I really hope you stick around, this world has so much love to give.  You have a big big brother who is almost 6 and a big sister that will be 4 when you arrive sometime around June 29 of next year.  And your Daddy is the best man I know, putting his family first always and loving all of us for who we are.  

I'm getting dejavu from the night before we left for a Disney vacation in Hilton Head a few years ago, as that's when we found out I was pregnant with your sister.  We've been trying hard for you and I was getting very emotional and impatient.  I should have known that all it takes is a little faith, trust, and pixie dust. Just knowing you're here will make this vacation extra magical.

Well the alarm is now on snooze, I guess it's time to get the family up so we can get to our flight.  Your first (or not if you were here last week when I was in Austin!) flight, certainly not your last.

I love you so much already baby! 

Love, 
Mommy

October 24, 2015:

This framed photo sat on our mantle on Thanksgiving for our families to see it.  I think it's one of the most beautiful photos I've ever taken and less than a dozen people will even know of its existence.

A "first visit" pin on my belly

November 1, 2015:

racing while pregnant.

November 14, 2015
7.5 weeks

Dear Pixie Dust,

Well here we are again with another 3am letter.  We gotta stop waking up like this now and save it for when you arrive.  Anyway, your brother is snoozing away next to me because he's been having some kindergarten fears and we're not going to make him face them alone at night, especially when the world can be a big scary place sometimes.  Last night, some very bad people attacked a city that we're going to visit in a few weeks, but we can't let that scare us, or else how can we live?

Anyway, I don't want to get into world events with you right now, being not even eight weeks along.  Let's talk about all your firsts already.  First trip to Disney, check.  Besides not drinking (more than a few sips here and there), you didn't keep me from doing anything else I'd normally do and we had a blast. We got you your first set of Mickey ears and did a little photo shoot with your siblings and they were none the wiser.   Despite the exhaustion that's hit me since we've been back, I was able to run a 5k race with you at 5.5 weeks. 27:48, so a little over a 9 minute mile, which I'm happy with as I definitely didn't want to push it.

My appetite has been touch and go lately, downing chocolate milk in the morning, having a normal lunch, then turned off from eating until about 8 pm when I'll have a bowl of cereal right before bed.  Cravings are tomato soup, milk, sometimes ice cream, and Ellios pizza.  Sometimes just anything salty, definitely savory.  I don't have any aversions right now but the fact that the Halloween candy bowl has not dwindled speaks volumes.
The best thing about this week is that I got to see you! At 7 weeks, 1 day I went in for an ultrasound and there was your heart fluttering away at first 190bpm but then settling to a cool 169.  You measures at 7 weeks 4 days, and though my initial instinct was that you were a girl, the picture changed my mind and now I'm leaning towards boy.  Only about 32 weeks until we find out the truth!

The only person besides mommy and daddy who knows about you right now is mommy's coworker Miss Sandy.  She kind of guessed it and mommy needed someone to talk to. You will meet her someday and love her because she is awesome.  We plan on telling our families at thanksgiving because everyone will be together.
Well I need to try and get some sleep now, so goodnight little one, stay safe in there.  I probably won't get to hear your heartbeat again until we get back from our 10 year anniversary trip to Paris, so enjoy yourself. I love you more than you know already. 

November 25, 2015:

News for the kids at 9 weeks

December 3, 2015:

Glowing, so happy to be in Paris pregnant

I actually lit an intention at the Notre Dame Cathedral.  For a happy and healthy baby.
According to the measurements, the baby stopped growing / heart stopped beating 2 days later.

December 4, 2015:

us at Versaille

Complete bliss atop the Eiffel Tower.  Everything was perfect.

December 10, 2015
11 weeks

Dear Baby Pixie Dust,

It's your last few hours inside my belly but youre already gone.  Two days ago I found out that your heart had stopped beating when you measured 10 weeks, 5 days. My gut instincts that morning were right.  The dr said it was due to chromosomal issues based on seeing your shape.  Oh pixie dust, my heart is aching right now. 
We'd just gotten back from our anniversary trip to Paris, where you hung the whole time with all our walking and sightseeing.  I rejected all the wines and soft cheeses and even the limoncello a little old Italian man offered us after are meal at a local cafe.  Your Daddy and I excitedly chatted about our future and you.  The kids were so jealous that you got to come along on the trip.

The kids.  Yup your older brother and sister found out about you the night before thanksgiving and were elated.  Every "thankful" night since your brother hugged my belly and showed his excitement for you.  Your sister announced it in morning meeting at school the day before I found out you were gone.  We even found out that you were going to have a cousin due the day after you.  We bought matching Christmas pajamas for your first holidays together next year and everything was perfect!

Within days that little picture came crashing down.  All I wanted to do when we got back from our trip was hear the puttering of your heart on the home dopplar, as we had consistently before we left.  After 3 days of radio silence I called the doctor, wanting to be reassured that you were just hiding.  When she had no luck they sent me for a ultrasound, where I learned of your passing.  The agony I felt (and am still feeling) is like nothing I've experienced.  I feel hollow and empty and angry and lost.

The news came on the eve of your brother's birthday, so we've been trying to keep busy in the normalcy of getting his party together.  When we told the kids your big brother howled for a little while, hurt and confused and sad.  Since then I've tried to keep my tears away from your siblings so they don't feel my pain.  Instead I've talked to coworkers and friends who knew about you and cried in the car with certain songs or quietly in the middle of the night.

I know time heals all wounds, but damn I can't see it right now.  A piece of me is gone with you, kid, and I'll never forget you.  Your cousin will be a constant reminder of you but I don't want to take away any of their joy with my pain.  Now that I've had two losses, if I do ever get pregnant again I will be forever paranoid through week 40, constantly scared of the sudden loss that could be sprung on me.

You were loved by more people than you know and you will be forever in our hearts.
Goodbye baby pixie dust, I love you. 

Love, 
Mommy

Little Sister

Lightning crashes, a new mother cries

This moment she's been waiting for

The angel opens her eyes

Pale blue colored eyes...

-Live

Dear Lil Lobster Roll,

You have arrived!  My pretty little girl, I still can't believe you are here!  And with your own thunderous entrance, already trying to outdo your big brother.  While we waited and waited for his arrival, you showed up 8 days earlier than expected, early Sunday morning, the 22nd of January.  You certainly made things convenient for us, with Mr. Gobbles already at your grandparents house so Mommy and Daddy could have one last night out. 

We enjoyed a fabulous dinner with your Godmother and Uncle and got home less than 2 hours before my water broke.  We got to the hospital just after midnight while the world was sleeping, so excited with anticipation to meet you.  Your daddy settled in the chair next to me while I settled in the bed and took each contraction with excitement that you were getting closer.  After 6 hours of labor you decided to throw a little curveball.  I had mentioned to the doctor that you were transverse a couple weeks before, but was told you turned.  This doctor was not from my regular practice because they shared weekend coverage with another team, so he decided to take a quick peak.  Indeed, you had turned, but not in the direction we wanted.  You were completely breach and we were told to prep for surgery, as you were coming via c-section.

Your daddy and I barely had time to digest the news before I got an epidural and was being wheeled away.  Within minutes of Daddy sitting down next to me in the OR dressed in his scrubs, we heard a high pitched screaming - it was you!  My little girl, you were such a peanut.  7 lbs 8 oz, almost 2 pounds less than your brother when he was born, I could not believe it!  The doctors took awhile sewing me back up so your Daddy was the first one to hold you after they cleaned you up. 

He held you by my head the whole time and we marvelled at your perfect features.  Your beautiful blue / hazel eyes, which may or may not darken like your brothers' did.  Your full head of dark hair - almost as thick as your Mommy's when she was a baby ;).  You have your Daddy's nose and upper lip, but my pouty lower lip.  Big hands and long toes, the latter from your father and the former from God knows where, but in common with your big brother.  All in all, you really look more like your brother than anyone - save for the extra rolls he had, you guys look exactly alike.  I'm so proud to have two beautiful children.

Here's a side by side comparison, no doubt you're brother and sister:

Gobbles - 2 days old

Lil lobster roll -8 days old

My lil lobster - you're not even two weeks old and we are already seeing sparks of your personality.  You have spunk, girl, demanding to be fed at less than an hour old while Mommy was still in recovery, and latching like a champ.   You let it be known to the world when you are hungry with your high pitched cry and frantic search for somewhere to get milk.  But then, after you are satiated, you are the most mellow child I've seen.  Relaxing and chilling in your seat or someone's arms, not even bothered when you blow up a diaper! 

Now that the dust has settled, we've had a few days to ourselves, and Mommy is starting to feel better, I look at you and am just amazed and elated that I have such a wonderful little girl.  I know in the future we'll go through phases where you'll be embarrassed of me, challenge me, and disagree with everything I say, but none of that will stop you from being my daughter, and I'll love you always.  You already own your Daddy's heart and your big brother has begun wringing his hands when you cry, trying to get you to stop.  Sure, he told us to put you on the floor a few times, but deep down he loves you very much too.  You have brought so much joy and happiness to our family already my little peanut, we are beyond thankful that you have entered our lives.

I love you baby girl!

Love,

Momma

Teeny Tiny Feet!!

I can finally dress my baby in babylegs!

The going home outfit was a little too big - we anticipated you to be another 9 pounder!

Love my babies!

Curious and inquisitive

I'm sure we'll have many family pictures with this squabbling

Will the blue eyes stay this time?

Just add a little space between and the kids are happy :)

tis the season

Last weekend we dove into the Christmas season in full force.  The decorations had already been hung since two days after Thanksgiving, and our tree ornaments were aching for a place to be hung.  It was our anniversary weekend (6 YEARS!), so grandma & grandpa were ready and willing to take Gobbles so that hubs and I could relax, have a nice dinner, and sleep in on Sunday morning (fail on the latter - Lil Lobster roll had me up and alert by 6... the woes of pregnancy).  Anyway, we crammed a weekend's worth of holiday fun into the hours before noon on Saturday.

C'MON Mommy!  Let's GO!!

As soon as Gobbles was finished breakfast, we got him dressed and headed to the mall to get in line for Santa.  We received a special surprise for being among the first 20 kids in line and got a free muppets music CD, which will become our staple car ride anthem as soon as the Christmas Music Season is done.  Gobbles was pretty well behaved waiting in line for almost a half hour, the morning is his best time of day.  He counted the presents, went off about the snow (which the kid behind us gently reminded him was cotton), and asked to ride the carousel horses.  Funny, he is petrified of real carousels!  I was surprised to hear some parents a few parties back yelling his name.  Their boy, probably about 7 or so, was misbehaving.  Gobbles' name isn't terribly popular, but it's been on the rise the past few years.  Here's to hoping it tapers before getting too high...

Things were going swimmingly until we were next in line and the child in front of us wailed, A Christmas Story style, upon being placed on Santa's lap.  Gobbles turned to us with wide eyes Santa scares me, he said.  I shrugged it off and told him "well just tell Santa that you want a choo choo and a basketball hoop!  you'll be fine".  We decided since hubs is the less stressful parent, he'd approach the big guy and I'd stand back with encouragement.  As soon as they approached Gobbles face tightened and he wrapped his legs tightly around his daddy's waste.  He began screaming No no no Daddy!  Mommy!  Please!  but it was too late - his face was red and his mind was made up - no sitting on Santa's lap this year.  Thankfully, the photogs had an alternative for this (hmm, it happens a lot I take it?), hubs was to kneel down in front of Santa and place Gobbles on his lap.  The result?  Priceless!

Close!  But our Santa was a lot nicer...

Yup.  Pure Torture.

After the Santa trauma, we calmed our boy with his favorite food of the moment - a soft pretzel.


Ok - so we tortured him a wee bit more with his cool antlers.



Better Now?  Good!

After the mall, we headed out to get our tree!  Gobbles didn't really know what was going on at first, but he was thrilled to run around the nursery at the store checking out all of the goods... He darted back and forth among the trees, stopping to tickle some of them along the way...?...Yea, he's got an imagination of his own!

At least I'm wearing my hat, so what if it's crooked, right?

Find the toddler

Hey Mommy - Catch me if you CAN!

Here I go!

Tickle Tickle TICKLE TREE!!!

After we successfully found our tree, we loaded up the car and headed home.  My parents were waiting for us when we got there to take Gobbles for lunch and his nap.  Thank God, because I don't know how we'd set up the tree with him running around - being 32 weeks pregnant I wasn't much help.  Hubs gently reminded me that two years ago I was 41 weeks along and helped him just fine.  "You were nesting, we had to have all the Christmas stuff up, remember??"  Boy how quickly I forget!

By the time we got the tree standing and lights strung (the fun decorating would wait for Gobbles' return Sunday afternoon), I was ready for a nap.  Afterwards, it was off to Marigold Kitchen for our anniversary dinner.  We've only had a handful of date nights in the last year, but somehow keep returning to this restaurant, it does not disappoint.  We spent hours eating good food and drinking wine (well one of us drank wine), a wonderful night in all.  My husband must have set something off though, because the next morning when I woke up, I began to clean, organize, and make lists.  The nesting has begun early this time, I'm hoping it's not an indication of an early baby.  Stay put till February girl, you can do it!

My Baby Girl!!!

Dear Baby Girl,

Wow.  I've known for a week know that you are indeed a girl, my lil lobster roll, but part of me is still in shock!  Every time I sit down and think about it, I am overcome with emotion and I start to tear up.  You have no idea how badly I wanted you, and here you are!  Well, almost here I should say. 

A GIRL!  A little girl!  Dresses and dollies and ribbons and pink, pink pink.  I have to admit I am terrified.  I have a confession baby girl.  I am not that good of a girl myself.  I'm horrible at accessorizing.  I don't do makeup.  My hair hasn't changed in 20 years.  I don't know who's hot in fashion right now, as long as it's on sale.  I told your daddy last night that I'm ashamed that I don't have a set of heels that you can clomp around the house playing dressup.  I am so so sorry baby.  And I am ever so thankful for the army of aunts and psuedo aunts you have because they will be here to guide you through all of that if you wish.

I know you're either going to be a super girly girl, or a little tomboy.  And let me tell you lobstah, WHOEVER you want to be I will fully support one hundred percent.  Your Daddy, big brother, and I will always be here to love and protect you from whatever life hands to you.  I need you to know this and hope you will always come to us for the hugs, kisses, or just an ear.

Like I said before, I was shocked when the ultrasound tech told us you were a girl.  For 20 weeks (actually a few years now) all we've heard was Oh you're going to have all boys.  I was ok with that, but there was a pang inside of me that felt a twinge of sadness when I thought about prom dress shopping, wedding planning, and all the special moments that only a mother and daughter can have.  So needless to say, I am thrilled that we will be able to share everything.  Just promise you won't act like I did as a teenager, because boy if I could take it all back I would...sorry mom :(...

And your Daddy?  Let me tell you something.  Your Daddy was a little surprised too, but the second he heard It's a Girl!, he completely softened.  I don't know how you did it from all the way inside my belly, but you have your Daddy wrapped around your little finger already.  If there is ever anything you need that you don't want to talk to me about, your Daddy will be there for you, I know it.  He is a wonderful man and a great father.

Finally, let's talk about your brother for a minute.  I know you can already hear him, because he never shuts up anymore.  He is so kind and gentle, he will be a fabulous big brother.  Please don't be upset if he doesn't enjoy you the first couple weeks, because he's just not used to sharing Mommy.  Gobbles is the only one who knew that you were a girl.  Every time we asked he said "little sister" or "girl".  Daycare said he was carrying pink baby clothes around all week before our ultrasound.  Your brother is going to be one of your best friends (besides your cousin Princess Girl, who is going to be your total bff!).

Well my Little Lobster Roll, you're starting to jump around in my belly again, probably want something to eat (you are my daughter after all, and you know how we all love to eat).  I love you very much and again am so excited to get a peek at you before we meet you in just a few months.  Stay safe in there.

Love,
Momma

my beautiful baby girl

that's enough! no pictures please!

loungin' back, kicken around

These next two pics are pretty interesting, esp for my non-mommy friends. It's always assumed that for a boy the look for something, and if it's missing it's assumed it's a girl.  Actually they look for parts either way.... it's as if they're sitting on a glass table, and you are looking up.  Side by side comparison of Lil Lobster Roll and Gobbles.  She is definitely a girl! 

ps Lil Lobstah - Do as I say, not as I do.  This is the LAST time a picture of your specials will be on the internet.  I mean it!



about time to be feeling good already (15 weeks)

i'll tell you what, lil lobster, you are really giving me a challenge.  working mom, pshaw i can handle it (sometimes). working mom whose dogs caught something at the boarder causing them to shit and throw up all over the house we're trying to keep spotless for potential buyers... no problem. working mom whose dogs shit up the house that's for sale while dealing with fat egomaniacs screaming at her all day... getting harder.  working mom with crapping dogs at home getting pounded on by lazy idiots at work while trying to stand up straight without passing out and find something edible that i can stomach.  ya got me.  i give. 

the past week my body has been run through the gauntlet but i think we've survived.  the second trimester is supposed to be smooth sailin but man it started off with a bang.  last week the typical pregnancy nausea was accompanied by a raging sore throat, high fever, and, after that cleared up, a fun itchy rash from my belly to my face.  tmi, i know, but it's really not that much info considering i haven't gotten the results back from the viral panel yet.  the leading diagnoses as of yet is roseola, courtesy of a baby we hung out with a few weeks ago combined with my wonderful immune system.  at least the doctor didn't seem too worried, just some discomfort for me.

thankfully, seems like the worst is over and today i can function like a normal person.  and, my crazy pregnancy paranoia that arose a few weeks ago due to the fact that i wasn't gaining weight (go me!) let me to get a doppler, which comforted me through much of last week.  it was nice knowing that even though i felt like crap, i could still hear the lobstah's heart drumming away.  now that i'm feeling better, i'm limiting my doppler use to once a week at the most - even Gobbles noticed how crazy i was last week.  he would go up to the shelf where we kept the device and point to it, Gobbles heart? he'd ask, and we'd listen to my boy's strong thump thump thump.  i need to get this boy a toy stethoscope!

so to sum up - after 15 weeks i'm still feeling pretty dizzy, this pregnancy is a lot more mentally draining than before (the other day i ran a load of clean clothes through the washer.  twice.), but on the plus side, i've only gained 5 lbs as opposed to 15 at this point last time, and we have the 20 week ultrasound scheduled for September 9th.  no idea what i'm expecting, but i'll be happy with either.  a little girl to be bffs with her october due cousin or a little boy to be Gobbles' buds.  a happy healthy bundle that will start sleeping through the night much sooner than their big brother did is all i ask ;)

A photo says... seven words...

I'm so happy to announce...

that I'm gonna be the best big brother I can be!!

Mommy and Daddy are so proud that I'm such a big boy!

But I still like to be silly too :)

Ok mommy I think they've got the point...

I know, I know, you just can't get enough of my smile!

what's that up there??

and what does my shirt say again??

that's right!  I'm gonna have a lil brother or sister!

Can we go back inside please?

YAY celebratory cheese in honor of the BABY!

Cheese makes everything better!

except when the dogs try to take it!

don't touch my cheese!

OK, I'll smile ONE more time for you mommy!  I'm so happy to point to your belly and say Hi to the Baby! 

Mommy just unlocked all of her secret posts about the baby.  (well, all four of them).  Check out the lable "Lil Lobster Roll" for details!!