In a rut

Many years ago I was the captain of my high school soccer team. A decade ago my paddling partner and I set our university record for race placement on a national level for concrete canoe. A few years after that I competed in a pair of sprint triathlons and a pile of races, actually placing in 5ks twice in my age group with a PR of 24.06. Friday, I went for a run and failed to complete 2 miles, and after 20 minutes of sloughing down the path decided to call it quits. I felt like crying, it was pathetic. I called hubs but since he's been in the trenches all week at work (got home at 3:41 am yesterday morning only to leave again a few hours later), he had neither time nor sympathy for me.  Today, everyone on Facebook posted their joy about getting into the broad street lottery, which I didn't even bother to register for this year, knowing I have no time or motivation to train.  I feel like wallowing thinking about how, six years ago, I finished that race in 1:24:25.  I would give anything to run one mile in under 8 and a half minutes now, let alone 10 at that pace.  There was even one year I trained for a marathon, managing to get a stress fracture three months into training after a 14 mile run and was never able to build myself back up before entering motherhood.

I used to be an athlete.  Even after Gobbles was born, I went back to playing soccer at 8 weeks postpartum and continued playing until I was 8 weeks pregnant with the Lobster Roll.  But in the past 13 months since my 2nd baby was born, I've gone from motivated mom of two to stressed out schlub who cannot even stick to her weight watchers plan for more than 4 days straight without polishing off a TUB of leftover icing on day 5.  Since I resolved to start counting points again, I have gained and lost the same 5 lbs over a repeated 8 day cycle of strict tracking followed by binging.

I've always had a somewhat strained relationship with my body. When I was younger, the sheer amount of physical stress it went through via sports was a challenge I would push myself through and beat myself up if I couldn't perform as expected. I would take pride in the bruises - battle scars - that would appear after a rough soccer match and talked with pride of my messy ligaments from years of wear on the basketball court.

In late high school and beyond, I began to realize that as soon as I wasn't regularly attending a sports practice, the weight would creep up. I would look at my friends with envy as I realized I was in a different weight class altogether and could no longer hide behind the "athletic" excuse for weighing as much as I did. My relationship with food is totally love / hate, one day I'm a proud weight watchers point counter and the next I'm scarfing down brownies like chips. I've always struggled to find the balance for my body, with the "hate" part of the food relationship always coming during periods of inactivity.  Back in college when sticking to a strict gym schedule, I was in great shape (didn't realize it then of course) and therefore didn't shy away from eating an entire pizza in a sitting, because I'd burn it off the next day. 

I've lamented before about pregnancy and weight gain, but it's crazy that even with two totally different pregnancies, two totally different delivery methods, here I sit after my child's first birthday celebration feeling the same way - weak- and even older and worse off the second time around.  During this 6 year period or whatever it is that I'm spending having kids, part of me feels like I should just give myself a pass and not worry so much about weight or fitness in between pregnancies. But there is a bigger part of me that wants, craves, more than anything to be able to do all the things my body could do before it did what I'm most proud of, give me two beautiful kids.

Five months after Gobbles was born, I declared myself back to "pre-pregnancy" weight. It took me another five months just to lose 8 more pounds to get me to my weight watchers goal. It was around this time I was finally feeling strong again, not getting my butt kicked at soccer, and able to do push ups again without being sore for days. My showing at the broad street run when Gobbles was 17 months wasn't pathetic, but it was 22 minutes slower than my finish pre-pregnancy. I suppose I could chalk it up to lack of training or age, but now after trying to get back in shape after the 2nd pregnancy, I feel like my prime has long since passed.

Part of me is afraid to get back to it hard core because the last time I started working out again, right before we moved, I felt like my C-Section scar would burst open and my uterus would fall out I was in so much pain.  But then I think of my own moods, my snapping at the kids because I'm tired and impatient, my reluctance to get off the couch because the tv is a nice distraction, and that kind of mental pain is so much worse. 

Where is my desire to download some good music and just escape for a half hour, knowing upon my return I will be more focused, a better mom, and just one step closer to feeling good? 

I'm not sure where the motivation is, but I'm looking to get it back.  Last night when I picked up the kids from school, one of the teachers was selling girl scout cookies in the lobby.  I resisted because I know myself and the entire box would be gone in a second.  I told her just this and then started on a tangent about my lack of motivation to work out, etc.  (Have I mentioned before that these teachers double as my therapist too?  They listen to me go on and on all the time about my non-child related problems.  I love these women).  She told me that a group of them have been running 5ks for a bit and that I should do some with them.  So I think I will, because I need something to be held accountable to.  Something to distract me from the scale, which ironically would probably fall into place after I stop hyperfocusing on it and turn my motivation to healthier outcomes.  Heck, maybe I'll even take on a mud run.

So, here's to hoping I can snap out of this rut and get moving again, be a better me for me, in turn making me a better mom for them and a better wife to their father:


<3 td="">

Ohhh, so the reason you wanted to make chocolate covered strawberries was to eat the extra chocolate, huh?

 

Resolve

To do better.  To try harder.  To live life to the fullest.  To make my family the happiest they can be.

2012 was probably most stressful, most complicated, most eventful year of my life.  New baby, new job (for me), we sold a house, bought a house, and are finally trying to settle in and just enjoy all of these things in 2013.  Hubs requested no life changes for the next 12 months, and my tired old self is feeling very inclined to agree with him.  We will relax and enjoy all of the blessings we have been given, because time is going by way to fast.

When I worked for a large company, we had so many strict rules with our annual reviews and goals.  They HAD to be specific in that these goals were quantitative and measurable.  In order for me to actually meet my new years resolutions, I think I need to do just that.  Maybe I'll do a 6 month review in July to see how I'm doing. So, here goes, in no particular order:

Short Term Goals (to be completed by the end of January):

1) Blogging:  Finish 3 of the drafts that are in my Post List, and complete two new posts.  This current post does not count.  If in order to achieve this I do posts without pictures it doesn't matter, just post the darn thoughts before they're outdated and irrelevant.  As the Lil Lobster Roll is getting bigger, I keep looking back at Gobbles' posts from that age for comparison and reminders.  It makes me so happy that I documented a lot of his milestones because I wouldn't remember otherwise.  I owe the same to my baby girl.
2) Home:  Get the basement set up and in order.  In order means able to exercise down there in the morning and host a party that afternoon.  Anything not "unpacked" will be sorted and stored properly.  After the boxes in the basement are done, we will have opened up every box that moved with us and made some kind of decision about its contents and I'll have the ability to say we are officially complete with unpacking.  Also, install permanent miniblinds in the hall bathroom and our bedroom.
3) Health: Get back to it with weight watchers - start tracking again on the 7th and hit a meeting by the 15th.  Make it to two meetings before the month is over and stay for the duration of each.  Exercise in some form at least 2x a week for this month.  Yes I'm setting the bar low considering I haven't worked out a single muscle since August.  No more weeknight beer after the 7th and wine is limited to 4oz / night at the most. 
4) Family:  Keep the momentum of this family high I have going throughout the month of January.  We spent so much time with our kiddos over their break (we alternated working, but they just went back to school today), that I've felt more settled and happy than ever.  The kids are starting swim lessons on Saturday morning so there's at least an hour each week of structured family time.  Church is another that I'm trying to convince hubs to follow through with after the holidays are over.


Long term Goals (over 2013):

1) Blogging:  5 Posts every two months.  3 with pictures.  This is beyond doable and there aren't any more excuses.
2) Home:  Cut down the birch that's too close to the house and the pine back by the fence.  Stain the swingset.  Paint the dining room.  Get curtains for the kitchen, master bedroom, and hall bath.  Buy a grill.
3) Health:  Continue attending weight watchers meetings even beyond when I get back to goal.  That's where I always slip up - hit goal then eat my face off.  2 meetings / month all year.  No excuses.  Dye my hair, for the first time ever.
4) Family:  1 date night per month with hubs.  Even if it's a night in without the kiddos, we need to take time for our relationship too.  Schedule at least 1 activity per weekend as a family, as small as a dog walk or as big as a trip to the zoo (especially with our new membership - thanks mom!).  Now that the stress of moving is behind us we don't need to sit inside and play all weekend.
5) Friends: Attend at least 2 social engagements per month to see my girls. This can be as simple as a playdate or worktime lunch or as big as a party.
6) Neighborhood:  Accept at least 4 social invitations this year to participate in neighborhood activities.  I'm loving our little stepford neighborhood and the Christmas party, although odd because we knew nobody, turned out to be a lot of fun.  This will benefit Gobbles and the Lobster Roll in the long run to have friends within walking distance of the house.
7) Finances:  Begin rebuilding a healthy savings again after the home downpayment took most of it as well as establish regular substantial contributions to the kids' college funds.  Pay off my car and hubs' student loans.  Use a budget program to track our spending and limit our "fun" money until daycare costs get lower or we win the lottery. 
8) Parenting:  Foster relationships for Gobbles that he wishes to pursue.  If there is a kid in his class he wants to invite over, let him.  Accept invitations from his classmates (which we've been good at doing so far, just need to keep up).  Establish more Lobster Roll / Momma time, or at least more age appropriate activities for her so that she isn't watching her brother develop and trying to keep up with things beyond her grasp.  At least 1 hour a day on nonwork days, the fun will be geared towards a 12-24 month old, not a 3 year old.  The rest of the time I'm sure she'll be very content following her big brother around, her current little role model.
9) Happiness:  Gratitude, once a day, every day.  No need to publish, but during my drive or before bed, just take a minute and be thankful and happy.

a step in the right direction

i woke up this morning with a bit of a hangover-like feeling having watched hours upon hours of LOST last night. seriously, it's a tv show, but like jon & kate +8 did last year when they announced their divorce, the feeling i got from watching stayed with me through a nights' sleep. i re-watched the last 20 minutes, and after some thought and reflection i've decided i'm happy with the ending, and left with a feeling of peace.

the notion that everything will work out as it's supposed to, coupled with the uplifting comments from you ladies on that last post, has given me a better outlook on today, which will hopefully last for awhile. i am feeling calm and optimistic. be good to people, be happy, and happiness will remain with me.

this little bout of confidence might also be brought on by another thing i have to celebrate. at weight watchers on saturday, i weighed in at my pre-pregnancy weight. BOOYA!

hormonal

i think i've figured out why i've been in such a rotten mood the past couple weeks. first, i'm sure stress has a lot to do with it, playing the job game is taking up a lot of my mind... the game goes like this: can i get a new job with a great commute and good work / life balance before i get sent away on a project across the country? i mean, if i knew i was going to be assigned locally for the remainder of the year, i'd be fine to stick with what i'm doing. but the nature of the beast is, boom, go to the middle of nowhere next tuesday! and stay for 8 weeks. i've never lived in such fear of anything as much as i dread getting a call from one of the senior managers with that message.

but, even when the job has been put out of my mind, i still seem to be the queen of bittertown. dropping snide remarks about why this pisses me off or that is so annoying or i'm jealous of this person or that. there is NO reason for me to be like this. none. and logical gobblesmom tells myself, concentrate on your job, your home, your family, and your BABY. somehow, crazyass nutso gobblesmom can't seem to just relax and enjoy it.

finally, after hearing just about enough from me, hubs spoke up, treading ever so lightly, "i think maybe you have a bit of postpartum". he was right to tread lightly, because i just about took his head off. "postpartum what? what are you saying? postpartum depression? it's a bit LATE for that, don't you think? and it's not like i want to harm my baby like those crazy bitches out there, i LOVE my child and would never want to hurt him!"

as much as i resented his accusations, it made me sit back and think... well i'm not pregnant anymore, but my body is still not completely my own. my milk supply has been completely wonky since gobbles started daycare. first i was pumping so much that there was an oversupply, then it took a nosedive. sometimes i'll wake up leaking, others just ridiculously sore. maybe my body is still adjusting and re-adjusting to the demands i'm putting on it.

it would be easy to blame hormones for my mood, but there may be some truth in it. when i first started the pill in college, i became the most evil bitch one could imagine, going as far as ruining one of my closest friendships. i thank god every day that a few years later i was lucky enough to get a second chance, as this friend still remains one of my best. years down the road, when i went off the pill, the raging bitch returned. a little more mature, i was able to control myself more and not kill any relationships, but i still had that bitterness inside. somehow, during my pregnancy, the hormonal mess remained, for the most part, at bay. likely due to the excitement and the anticipation of the upcoming bundle of joy.

now that i am back to work and have moments alone with my thoughts during the day, maybe it is creeping back. again, i can't just blame hormones for my thoughts, feelings, and actions, but it does make me feel a little better knowing why i feel the way i do. and that there is an end.

i have 3 weeks to make it to my goal of breastfeeding for 6 months. i have enough milk in the freezer that i can probably start dropping a pumping during the day. i am ready to start weaning, and i'm looking forward to having my body all to myself for awhile. at least until child number 2 decides to take up residence, which i'll start looking into in another year.

in the meantime, let's have another round of happiness training:

This week I am thankful for:

- playing soccer. cheesy i know, but the euphoria i feel after running around kicking a ball as hard as i can for 90 minutes each sunday gets me motivated to start the week off right... i've been playing for 22 years and still have an odd pride in my "battle scars", aka unsightly bruises.

- Thomas' bagel thins. only ONE point! i've been making breakfast sandwiches every morning with egg whites, one thin slice of cheese, and these bagels, for a great 3 point start to my day. sometimes i even have them for lunch too!

- The hippie lady dog groomer. sure, when i went to pick up the puppies she began discussing the use of medicinal marijuana in cats, but she does a great job grooming and my living room has been spoonsie bear hair free for days!

Goals:

- Get into a routine. Walk the dogs in the morning, exercise, or take a walk during lunch. even on the days i work from home i need to get OUT for some kind of "commute" to get fresh air.

- Continue diet tracking. I got way off course for a few weeks, but now that weaning will begin, i cannot afford the extra calories!

and finally - take advantage of the dogs' interest in the kid starting to crawl. just look at how encouraging cannoli is being!

enjoy the weekend all. your normal happy gobblesmom will return soon!

my head is exploding

i am pooped. exhausted. would love to just lay down on the couch and nap. ahhh, nap. though i spend more than half my working days at home, with gobbles at daycare, i am getting less sleep than ever before. it's anxiety, stress, plans, worries, hopes, everything rolled into one that has me up at 3am with my mind racing and not settling again until 5, just when gobbles begins to stir and it starts all over. EVERY NIGHT.

granted, this week has been extra tough - 2 interviews, 1 job rejection (praying that the 2nd interview yeilds the opposite results), 1 daytrip, and 1 final. well, the final was for hub's, but i may as well have been the one taking it, last night was the first night we hung out in almost a week. he's been holed up in the upstairs room leaving me to fend for myself with the working, interviews, a teething baby, and two poor attention-neglected puppies.

we were supposed to switch off who gets the gobbles' night duty, every other night. yet somehow i ended up doing it all week. i figure, what the heck, i'm up anyway, and a part of me thinks "well he just can't get gobbles to stop fussing like i can". but it's a bad habit to get into because i'm starting to resent my husband for the amount he is sleeping when i wake up every morning in a dreary haze. i tell myself, oh well you can sneak a nap in during lunch, or after this conference call. but instead, i'll do a quick chore so the weekend will be easier for us. then i get mad because i'm the one doing said chore.

i know i sound like a bitter hag, but really i do have hope that this will end. i keep thinking, "if i get this job, all will be right with the world". the last time i put so much energy into fantasizing about a job i went three rounds of interviews before getting rejected. i know i'm a bad interview, i come off as either too insecure, or as i gain confidence, probably to cocky. i've just never been comfortable with myself enough to act normal when meeting new people. strange since i work with new people every day, but it's different, because i'm already hired as the consultant, i don't have to impress anyone. this is probably the same reason i have not really made new friends on my own since high school.

ok, enough of the pity party. i will get through it, and if i don't get the job then it wasn't meant to be, blahblahblah.

my biggest pet peeve is people who complain about something but do nothing to change it - i have no money - then either stop pissing it away on expensive crap, stuff you don't NEED, and stop going out every night for dinner and drinks! i hate my job - then get a new one! i'm fat - then stop pigging out and having beer all the time! i hate my apartment / house - why didn't you think before you moved in!

i feel so hypocritical at the moment because i feel like i'm becoming all of the above, and i need to take a timeout and 1) be thankful for what i have and 2) set some goals for personal improvement. once a week i will update both these lists so i can become more positive and happy overall. here goes the first stab:

I am thankful for:

- My son. No matter how bad it is, all i need is one hug, smile, or laugh from you, and, for that moment, it is all washed away.

- My husband. For giving me the confidence that no matter what happens, I'll always have a rock to lean on.

- My family and friends. I told three people about the aforementioned job rejection. Within hours, i had phone calls from each of these people telling me that it will be ok and reassuring me that i'm awesome.

- Happiness for others. I got two shower invitations in the mail yesterday. I know there will be many more to come this year (for 2010, it'll be 7 babies and 5 weddings). I have been so lucky in my life and I tear up at the thought of the ones i love feeling this same joy. (two momma's little ones will be here in a matter of days!!)

Goals for the week:

- Do not think about, talk about, or WORRY about the job that you are hoping for. The interview is done, thank you note is written, there is nothing you can do but wait!

- Lose the guilt. I hate missing out on things, mostly because I feel like i'm letting others down. i have to stop feeling guilty about turning down invitations to parties, get togethers, benefits, etc. now that i have a kid, it's a big deal to try and make it to one event in a weekend, let alone two or three. my priorities have changed and it's not worth getting upset over.

- Spend more time outside. it's so beautiful out and i'm just wasting it away. everything else can wait.

- Log the "little things" to be thankful for. Those mentioned above are great, but it's remembering the little things that will make you truly happy

kudos to you if you are still reading at this point, because this was a whole mess of stuff that's been swirling through my head in need to get out. i know it probably doesn't even make sense, so thanks for listening. i should sleep better tonight...

and for that heavy burden of you having read that - here's something to lighten the mood.

First time in my high chair - bring on tha food!

Post meal relaxation time...