my head is exploding

i am pooped. exhausted. would love to just lay down on the couch and nap. ahhh, nap. though i spend more than half my working days at home, with gobbles at daycare, i am getting less sleep than ever before. it's anxiety, stress, plans, worries, hopes, everything rolled into one that has me up at 3am with my mind racing and not settling again until 5, just when gobbles begins to stir and it starts all over. EVERY NIGHT.

granted, this week has been extra tough - 2 interviews, 1 job rejection (praying that the 2nd interview yeilds the opposite results), 1 daytrip, and 1 final. well, the final was for hub's, but i may as well have been the one taking it, last night was the first night we hung out in almost a week. he's been holed up in the upstairs room leaving me to fend for myself with the working, interviews, a teething baby, and two poor attention-neglected puppies.

we were supposed to switch off who gets the gobbles' night duty, every other night. yet somehow i ended up doing it all week. i figure, what the heck, i'm up anyway, and a part of me thinks "well he just can't get gobbles to stop fussing like i can". but it's a bad habit to get into because i'm starting to resent my husband for the amount he is sleeping when i wake up every morning in a dreary haze. i tell myself, oh well you can sneak a nap in during lunch, or after this conference call. but instead, i'll do a quick chore so the weekend will be easier for us. then i get mad because i'm the one doing said chore.

i know i sound like a bitter hag, but really i do have hope that this will end. i keep thinking, "if i get this job, all will be right with the world". the last time i put so much energy into fantasizing about a job i went three rounds of interviews before getting rejected. i know i'm a bad interview, i come off as either too insecure, or as i gain confidence, probably to cocky. i've just never been comfortable with myself enough to act normal when meeting new people. strange since i work with new people every day, but it's different, because i'm already hired as the consultant, i don't have to impress anyone. this is probably the same reason i have not really made new friends on my own since high school.

ok, enough of the pity party. i will get through it, and if i don't get the job then it wasn't meant to be, blahblahblah.

my biggest pet peeve is people who complain about something but do nothing to change it - i have no money - then either stop pissing it away on expensive crap, stuff you don't NEED, and stop going out every night for dinner and drinks! i hate my job - then get a new one! i'm fat - then stop pigging out and having beer all the time! i hate my apartment / house - why didn't you think before you moved in!

i feel so hypocritical at the moment because i feel like i'm becoming all of the above, and i need to take a timeout and 1) be thankful for what i have and 2) set some goals for personal improvement. once a week i will update both these lists so i can become more positive and happy overall. here goes the first stab:

I am thankful for:

- My son. No matter how bad it is, all i need is one hug, smile, or laugh from you, and, for that moment, it is all washed away.

- My husband. For giving me the confidence that no matter what happens, I'll always have a rock to lean on.

- My family and friends. I told three people about the aforementioned job rejection. Within hours, i had phone calls from each of these people telling me that it will be ok and reassuring me that i'm awesome.

- Happiness for others. I got two shower invitations in the mail yesterday. I know there will be many more to come this year (for 2010, it'll be 7 babies and 5 weddings). I have been so lucky in my life and I tear up at the thought of the ones i love feeling this same joy. (two momma's little ones will be here in a matter of days!!)

Goals for the week:

- Do not think about, talk about, or WORRY about the job that you are hoping for. The interview is done, thank you note is written, there is nothing you can do but wait!

- Lose the guilt. I hate missing out on things, mostly because I feel like i'm letting others down. i have to stop feeling guilty about turning down invitations to parties, get togethers, benefits, etc. now that i have a kid, it's a big deal to try and make it to one event in a weekend, let alone two or three. my priorities have changed and it's not worth getting upset over.

- Spend more time outside. it's so beautiful out and i'm just wasting it away. everything else can wait.

- Log the "little things" to be thankful for. Those mentioned above are great, but it's remembering the little things that will make you truly happy

kudos to you if you are still reading at this point, because this was a whole mess of stuff that's been swirling through my head in need to get out. i know it probably doesn't even make sense, so thanks for listening. i should sleep better tonight...

and for that heavy burden of you having read that - here's something to lighten the mood.

First time in my high chair - bring on tha food!

Post meal relaxation time...