Five! (and two months...)

Just like fire, burnin' up the way

if I could light the world up for just one day

watch this madness, colorful charade.

No one can be Just Like Me, anyway! 

- Pink

Dear Lil Lobster Roll,

 Five. A whole hand. Five going on sixteen it seems sometimes. You are becoming an amazing little lady right before our eyes. You've been working your way through your final pre-k school year at the head of your class, and I'm not just talking academically. Apparently you're the best helper at cleaning up, even when the mess isn't yours, you stand up for other kids getting picked on, and you are a natural leader in all things play and fashion. You really do embody all of the qualities I strive to have, and i am so incredibly proud of you.

You keep your intelligence on the down low, not because you lack confidence, but because it doesn't seem to matter to you. Your priorities are more with just making sure everyone is happy, and then you'll randomly pipe up with some little known fact you learned a year ago, add some random numbers, or belt out a song you've heard once word for word. One of your favorite hobbies is following us around asking how to spell things and listing them in your little notebook, getting to the point where you're starting to sound them out yourself.

Every single day you come home from school with no less than three cards you've made with "mommy, daddy, gobbles, baby" listed on the front and a family picture drawn inside, where we're holding flowers or lollipops and smiling broadly. Your family is your number one priority and you show us every day how we mean the world to you (and vice versa of course). You're like Poppy from your current favorite movie Trolls- relying on hugs and positivity to fix anything. Whenever I greet Daddy with a hug and a kiss you jump up, announce "group hug!" and grab your brother and all come into the fold. I love it, the affection and the warmth, I hope it never changes.

Besides Trolls, other current favorites are Elena of Avalor, Phineas and Ferb, and just about any random girlie cartoon you can find on Netflix. All you talk about planning-wise is when we can go back on the Disney Cruise ship, 3 days of an 8 day Thanksgiving trip we took back in November that you and your brother have not stopped talking about. Daddy and I love that you've been bit by the travel bug like we have, and when you get older we promise to expand your horizons beyond the big Mouse.

As far as extra curriculars, I feel I've loaded you up for your last year before you start full day Kindergarten and we lose our Mommy-Lobster Fridays. You did soccer in the fall where you of course ran circles around the boys, have been doing dance since September with your bff K, started gymnastics in January as the youngest in the class but had no problem catching up, and pretty soon tball season starts. The only girl on the team but I know you're gonna kick butt anyway.

You have done a lot of growing in the last year, partly due to things beyond your control. When we lost Spoons in September I feel like you took it the worst, still crying out how much you miss her whenever you are tired or upset in some way. But then you always turn it around and discuss her during happy times too- talking about what she's doing in Heaven right now and having faith that she is still with us. Beneath your tough girl exterior you do have an extremely sensitive side that usually comes out when your overtired, that's when we just really watch out because any wrong word can set you off and we get a little preview of our teenage munchkin. It's ok though, your emotions are yours and you're still learning to handle the explosion that happens when you bottle them up.

Well munch, five is going to bring about huge changes for you- a new brother or sister, heading off to the big school with your brother, and a little less one on one time with me that we've enjoyed the last two years. I know I'm going to miss it because I love spending time with you, but I know you are going to do great as a big sister and a big kindergartener. I am so proud of the amazing, kind, smart, beautiful little lady you have become inside and out and can't wait to continue sharing in your love of life and family.

Love,
Mommy

My Precious Rainbow Baby (34 weeks)

Like a small boat on the ocean

Sending big waves into motion

Like how a single word 

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

Dear Rainbow Baby,

Hey there little one! This letter has been a very long time coming.  I've been wondering what to say for months and also pretty afraid to jinx anything with you. Now all of the sudden we're coming down the home stretch- 6 weeks to go!- and I can't wait to meet you!

We've finished the nursery and started the work baby pool. I'm expecting you a little early just bc you're measuring big- a whole week ahead! Each day I change my mind whether you're a boy or a girl, my cravings have run the gamut with you- French onion soup in the first tri and Wawa sizzlies. For months now it's been orange juice, grapefruit, or carnation instant breakfast. I'm dying of thirst each night but have heartburn so much as well. I feel a little bit like I did my pregnancy with your big brother Gobbles and a little bit like with your sister the Lil Lobster Roll. Daddy has been solidly in the boy camp ever since he saw your first ultrasound picture at 7 weeks but I keep going back and forth wondering just who you are!

I'm writing this at 5am bc sleep is getting less comfortable- it seems 3am is your favorite time to start a dance party in my belly. I don't mind at all, I'm just trying to embrace every minute of this because I know it is fleeting and you're most likely to be the last one to inhibit my cozy belly. I'm pretty sure you'll be the tallest of the babies bc the alien- like stretches we can see rolling around my belly are unreal. The other night Daddy felt a distinct leg right around my belly button and it freaked him out. The next day your siblings felt it and thought it was so cool. Even though I weigh more than I ever have, I've gained the least amount of weight with you- 33lbs so far as opposed to 46 with the other two. I guess I shouldn't talk just yet with time still to go, but all of that is the last thing I worry about anyway! You've made me dizzy with low blood pressure for the better part of weeks 28-32, but I feel like that has improved as well.

The world you'll be entering is pretty chaotic, we're always running from one activity to the next with Gobbles and the Lobster roll, so there's never a dull moment. You've already been to Disney World in my belly and will be there again at 4 months old with my mom squad and all of your extended brothers and sisters. Get used to it, we're a Disney family and have at least 40 years worth of trips ahead of us! Don't worry, we plan on exploring other parts of the world too as you get older, your siblings have already been bitten by the cruising bug and are begging to hit up another one soon.

Besides your brother and sister you're also entering a home with two senior dogs, Cannoli and Zorro. Cannoli has been with us almost 11 years and we just got 8/9 year old Zorro- it's a long story., but we've only had him a few months. You have a dog up in Heaven named Spoons, you would have loved her so much. She faced a tough battle last year and we lost her when you were about 10 weeks along in my belly. The kids still talk about her every day so I'm sure you will hear a lot about her, always in our hearts.

My little rainbow, you have no idea how special you are to me, to our family. We went through a lot to get you, more than we had to for your brother or sister. A lot of patience, pain, struggle, and heartache. We are over the moon happy that you'll finally be joining us in a little over a month, because you are gonna be one awesome little kid and we love you so incredibly much. I'm so sorry that you will be a whole 5 years younger than the lobster, but it wasn't in the cards to have you closer to her age. That will just mean more mommy and you time when the other two are off in school. You'll also be very lucky to have your brother and sister old enough to help care for you, play with you, read to you (you probably heard your brother reading dr. Suess the other night- he was excellent!), and give you twice the love without the jealousy/ rivalry.  And since Mommy and Daddy have been around the block before with the whole newborn/ baby/ toddler thing, you'll realize how much we've relaxed on- you'll get to sleep in our bed, have less restrictions on tv, and be able to eat more junk than they ever did- there are some perks to being the baby :)!

Well my rainbow, the alarm will go off in 90 minutes so it's time for me to try and get one last nap in, Cannoli has just curled up on top of me and you are digging a limb into my ribcage. I'm glad I finally got to let you know how much I'm thinking about you, and always know that Mommy, Daddy, Gobbles, and the Lil Lobster Roll love you more than you'll ever know.

Love,
Mommy

Love and light for our beautiful dog Spoons

Dear Miss Spoonsie Bear,

It's been over a month since we said goodbye, but the heartache behind your passing is still raw. It's amazing how quiet and empty the house feels without you here, ironic for a dog that never barked in the first place. I miss having you follow me around like my personal magnet and sneaking a snuggle with your soft fur every chance I get. Despite the cleanings, your hair is still everywhere and I'm sure will remain on our clothing and in our corners until the end of time :).

Your presence at work is also noticeably missed, as your bed remains in the corner of my office, used by Cannoli occasionally but he doesn't like it as much as you... I really need to find a place to store it. The ladies still talk about you and how awesome you were and I still get weepy on the way home without my roadgirl smiling in the rearview mirror.

As for the kids? Oh man it's been rough, especially, surprisingly moreso the the little lobster roll. She is obsessing over heaven and what you are doing up there, just last night she said "I bet Spoons is having so much fun up in heaven playing with the other dogs". I hope she's right, girl. It's amazing how kids have their philosophies- just a few days after you passed, her bff K said in the car on the way to dance "look at that cloud. Yoda (her dog who passed two years ago) is giving Spoons a tour". And the girls talked excitedly about all you'd do together while I tried to keep from welling up.

Gobbles on the other hand has taken things much more quietly. Just when I think things are ok, he'll randomly blurt out how much he misses you and wished he could have you back for just one day. He speaks for all of us miss Bear, we all would love you for just a little more time.

Cannoli seems to be taking it worst of all, moping around the house, lonely, clingy, and sad. We're thinking about getting him another friend soon so that he perks up, but no one could ever replace you.

I'm so happy to think we got an extra 6 months with you to enjoy our bucket list summer, a summer we'll never forget. The kids were so lucky to experience so many things with you that we'll all always cherish. You went to a bark-b-q, on a hayride, to a tball game (or two), to the beach in summer, to a brewery, to work with me (a lot), on long walks, on hikes, in creeks (reluctantly). You marched proudly in a 4th of July parade all patriotic'd out, facetimed with us, caught that ever elusive baby bunny (to add to your list that consisted of a groundhog and flies before), walked Gobbles to the bus stop, and watched fireworks. Daddy made you your very own filet mignon and boy did you love that!

Towards the end, we gave you more snuggles and love that most dogs receive in a lifetime. On your last night here, the kids camped out with air mattresses next to your bed and fell asleep with you by their sides. The day we had to take you in they gave you hugs and kisses and pets and love, not realizing it was the last time they'd see you. Daddy and I drove you to the vet and I sat in the backseat with you, windows open while you enjoyed the rush of the wind. You pranced into the vet with such strength and confidence that I thought maybe we'd been premature. Sadly, just a few minutes after that ray of hope, the vet confirmed what we'd been fearing, that it was time. Although we knew it all along the floodgates opened and Daddy and I held each other tight as we hugged you and stroked your soft fur for the last time. You held my gaze with those big brown eyes until your very last moment, looking at me to please and love and just be that comforting presence that you have always been.

After hearing the news of your passing the kids cried for hours, not quite understanding how you could be here one moment, gone the next. Daddy and I cried too, knowing just what we'd be missing. A faithful girl who has been by our sides through the ups and downs for almost a decade of our lives. Especially in the past year, with all our family has been through, you've been that steady source of comfort there for a good cry, hug, or snuggle.

I feel like our lives will have this marked point in time, where our memories will be distinctly separated into two periods- with Spoons and without. Obviously this will fade as time marches on as we grow and change as a family, with the Lobster being only 4 I don't know how much she'll hold on to in the future. But I know for Gobbles, I've already seen a change, another layer of skin plus another component of sensitivity. For me, it's a period that will always be with my heart, our time with the Spoonsie Bear, the best dog ever.

I love you and miss you forever Spoons.

Love,
Mommy

To the Big Elementary School Guy

This was written last week during one of my insomnia nights worrying about my

Dear Gobbles,

We are less than a week before first grade begins and I'm alternating between excitement and tears at the thought of you growing up and hitting the school on your own. Kindergarten was a nice transition in that I didn't see your teacher every day anyway since you took the van, but I still got my Friday face time with her just to see how you were. But this will be so much different, this is the big time.

Your kindergarten graduation was so emotional for me, I think because we've spent 6 years with some of these families, our village, and we've all helped each other through crazy times. I'm lucky that some will stick around at least through your sister leaving pre-k with the siblings, but at the same time so sad that the relationships will change from daily interactions.

You, however, rocked your Kindergarten year and the graduation. You learned to read and went beyond in math. You stuck tight with your buddies but even branched out to some new friends, and came out of school with a confidence that only 5th year seniors have. You've done your summer reading, but for that pesky paragraph you have to write, probably more mommy's procrastination than yours. Even your reading comprehension is coming along- we're halfway through the 2nd Harry Potter book and each time we pick it back up you are able to recall the pertinent details of the previous chapter. You also try to make predictions on what's going to happen and explain why. Since we know the spoilers Daddy and I just let you go with your theories until they're revealed in the reading.

This summer I've seen your transition from a little boy into a big boy. You help out with your chores (although sometimes begrudgingly), you fly across the monkey bars with the ease of a ninja, and you have free reign at the pool to swim, dive, tread, do anything you want and I am confident that you are totally fine. You keep reminding you that one time I mentioned you should get an allowance when you start first grade.  You've started watching Big Brother with me and actually pay attention to what is going on and who is "on the block" (I'm so sorry for dragging you into the dark side of reality t.v.). And speaking of the dark side, you're not phased by and of the horrors in and Star Wars, actually cheer when Kylo Ren kills Han Solo (should I be worried?), and for the 2nd Halloween in a row want to be a bad guy with a lightsaber.

Last weekend, we were at the beach, and the third and final day the water was particularly calm yer frigid. After I declared myself spent in the water (it literally took my breath away it was so cold), you said, "that's fine mom, I can float by myself". And you took your boogie board and did just that. I sat in my chair about a hundred yards from the waters edge and watched, half proud, half petrified. Not soon after, you were joined by a girl who introduced herself the day before (9 years old!) and spend the morning riding waves with her. When I finally came to get you out of the water there was another little boy who you'd made friends with too chatting you up the whole way up the beach. We got home that night and Daddy asked how the beach was (he'd been home with the dogs), and your sister in a sing-songy voice started talking about your girrrrlllfriend. I've never see you so embarrassed. It seems that was a little tidbit you wanted to keep to yourself. I can't believe you are already at an age that you don't want to tell us everything!

Well buddy, you're starting a new phase in your life, and at times it may not be as easy as school has been. I'm not concerned at all about you academically, I know you'll do great if you just keep working hard and not rush through everything- you're very smart, but you have to pay attention to what you're doing. The friendships you've had for so many years may change, and the way you interact with each other in a real school environment will be different. It's the big time now, and you're back to being one of the little guys. Just be confident in yourself and don't take to heart what anyone says. I know I know easier said than done.

I'm so proud of you, I'm a little anxious for you, I'm sad that you're growing up, I'm eager for you to learn, and most of all I'm excited for your new adventure! I love you so much Gobbles!

Love,
Mom

P.S.  Well we survived our first day yesterday, and I have to admit, although you've been in school for 6 years now, I spent more time wondering what you were up to yesterday than I did the whole time you were at daycare.  I don't know why, because you did incredibly.  You had your boys with you and you branched out and introduced yourself.  You inserted yourself into a conversation to defend someone, and you loved music class and recess.  I can't wait to go to back to school night and find out what everything is all about.  Thanks for being a good kid, buddy!

Of Late

We're in an interesting place right now, this little family of ours.  Digging ourselves out of a really rough winter, but still living day to day in this strange sort of limbo.

I can't seem to get pregnant again, and it's very frustrating.  I've even resorted to joining a "biggest loser" competition among neighbors in an effort to lose the previous "baby weight" and make myself healthier all in hopes of regaining everything I lost slow and steady over a joyous 9 month course.  It lasted 40 days and ended this past Friday.  I lost a legitimate 18 lbs in the first 5 weeks and an additional 7 of water with a fine regiment of dehydration and sweatsuit exercise yielding me a 2nd place finish (out of 32, mostly men) of 13.42% loss.  I've celebrated by reconsuming junk food and re-attaining all of the water weight over just 3 days.  It was fun while it lasted though, giving me something else to hyperfocus on and compete.  I'm hoping to keep on the loss train for awhile but of course I have to stop with the celebratory sugar first.

Hubs has been at his job for six months now, but it feels like an eternity.  The new normal is half the time he is not home for dinner or bedtime at all, and the other half I'm taking all of my stress out on him because I'm the bad cop every weekday night screaming about homework and nightly reading that needs done.  Hopefully summer brings an easier routine.

Worst of all, our beloved Spoonsie bear has cancer, and though the multiple vacations' worth of money we've spent on her treatment has made every extra day we get with her worth it, the dread of losing her tomorrow or 6 months from now has become a permanent fixture in the back of our heads.  We're working on loving her a little extra every day and making sure the kids are getting all the snuggles in the can with her.  Praying she is healthy enough to come on a little doggie vacation we have planned for June.

The kids.  They've been taking all of this in stride.  They talk about Spoons "going to Heaven soon" in a matter-of-fact way since they've had to deal with losing both the baby in my belly and their great grandmother in short history.  As the same time Gobbles looks at her with such love that I know his life will never be the same once she is gone.  They lament about how they miss their daddy when he is at work or they miss me when I'm traveling, but every night when we do our thankfuls the Lobster gushes how she is thankful that she has the best family ever and our hearts are restored before calling it a day.  They are growing up so quickly.

Gobbles is almost finished Kindergarten, still loving Star Wars with every fiber of his being, and still hanging out with his best buddies.  He's become a little ninja warrior climbing on everything, trees, poles, monkey bars, ANYTHING that is up high that he can get his hands on.  The kid's upper body strength is amazing and the fear and caution he once showed when he was little is long gone.  He's reading now too, like word by word plodding through books.  Not on his own doing, as he is not exactly enthusiastic about it, but he does what he is assigned.  Math; however, is quite the opposite.  He does not have to be pushed or prodded at all.  In fact, it's quite the opposite - "Mom, can you give me some hard math problems while you're cooking please?  just shout them out and I'll figure them out."  Last week he was quite proud of himself for constructing the best sphere out of legos and winning the teacher's dollar prize.   He's been through tennis in the fall, soccer in the winter, and is now onto Tball in the spring, loving each of them.  We got the swimming crash lessons wrapped up last week with both kids getting excellent progress reports and cleared to move up a step to intermediate swimmer and advanced beginner.  Since we just don't have the kind of time as a dual working family to put Gobbles on the swim team, that was probably the last of his lessons for now and the future, as he now knows how to swim freestyle properly.

The Lobster, my girl, she's navigating the world of pre-K, having moved up in February after turning four.  She's in a different place than her brother was when he moved up, with her two best buds in class being boys, waiting for her bffs to turn and move up.  Her very close girl, V, the one she's been partners in crime with day in and out, recently moved away and the Lobster is not taking it very well.  The other girls in the class are all five and on their way to high school, with a cool exclusiveness that didn't seem to exist before.  I'm hoping the Lobster lets it roll off of her until the sweeter girls move up, although from the phone call I got today- biting a friend who tried to mess with her man- I think we have a long way to go.  Academically, the Lobster is where we expect, though without the need to show it off like her brother.  She'll randomly come out with correct math facts or memory recall that surprises us.  This kid is definitely underestimated and I know she'll surprise us more in the future.  She's currently obsessed with her own fashion style, earrings, chapstick, and headbands, and is working hard for her first dance recital.  When she's not being the girliest of girls she's kicking butt on the soccer field or farting and blaming Daddy, all while pissing herself with laughter.

In the past few weeks (besides the monotany of running around and sports and birthday parties galore- they still haven't slowed these social butterfly kids!), we've gotten to have some good family time.  For Mothers' Day the kids (with just a little bit of hubs' help, just a little he insists) made me a gorgeous flower planter to adorn the corner of the sunporch opposite last years' herb garden.  Gobbles was so proud and was bursting by the time they got the chance to show it with me.  The Lobster had been making "happy Mothers Day" cards for weeks leading up to the day.  Hubs made my family and I dinner that coincided nicely with the aforementioned weight loss challenge.  It was just one of those very good days.

The week after, we went to Star Wars Day at the Brandywine Zoo, where the kids had a blast meeting all of the characters and checking out the small selection of animals they had.  The Lobster's favorite part was the Rodent of Unusual Size (seriously!) that pooped in its own little pool then swam in it Mommy, so gross, remember that?  I overheard Gobbles telling her girlfriend on the way to swimming And, at the end when they were taking pictures, a stormer trooper married his girlfriend!  Close, we saw someone from the acting troop propose to one of the handlers.  It was cute and the Lobster was completely smitten.  I also thought it was funny that Gobbles, of all the things he saw that day, chose that moment to share with his girlfriend whom, he later told me in all seriousness and secrecy, that he really does have a crush on, even despite her mom and I forcing them to hang out for years and making grand plans for their wedding!.

It's been a spring of ups and downs for us, but we're hanging in there just trying to nab what each day throws at us.  In the next few weeks we have sports makeups (did I mention it's rained almost every Saturday since March), graduations, pool kick off, summer camp, more birthday parties, and a special family vacation as a bucket list trip for our girl Spoons.  We're looking forward to this, our first official trip that is just our little family, and we are thrilled about it.

Some video highlights of the last few months...