hormonal

i think i've figured out why i've been in such a rotten mood the past couple weeks. first, i'm sure stress has a lot to do with it, playing the job game is taking up a lot of my mind... the game goes like this: can i get a new job with a great commute and good work / life balance before i get sent away on a project across the country? i mean, if i knew i was going to be assigned locally for the remainder of the year, i'd be fine to stick with what i'm doing. but the nature of the beast is, boom, go to the middle of nowhere next tuesday! and stay for 8 weeks. i've never lived in such fear of anything as much as i dread getting a call from one of the senior managers with that message.

but, even when the job has been put out of my mind, i still seem to be the queen of bittertown. dropping snide remarks about why this pisses me off or that is so annoying or i'm jealous of this person or that. there is NO reason for me to be like this. none. and logical gobblesmom tells myself, concentrate on your job, your home, your family, and your BABY. somehow, crazyass nutso gobblesmom can't seem to just relax and enjoy it.

finally, after hearing just about enough from me, hubs spoke up, treading ever so lightly, "i think maybe you have a bit of postpartum". he was right to tread lightly, because i just about took his head off. "postpartum what? what are you saying? postpartum depression? it's a bit LATE for that, don't you think? and it's not like i want to harm my baby like those crazy bitches out there, i LOVE my child and would never want to hurt him!"

as much as i resented his accusations, it made me sit back and think... well i'm not pregnant anymore, but my body is still not completely my own. my milk supply has been completely wonky since gobbles started daycare. first i was pumping so much that there was an oversupply, then it took a nosedive. sometimes i'll wake up leaking, others just ridiculously sore. maybe my body is still adjusting and re-adjusting to the demands i'm putting on it.

it would be easy to blame hormones for my mood, but there may be some truth in it. when i first started the pill in college, i became the most evil bitch one could imagine, going as far as ruining one of my closest friendships. i thank god every day that a few years later i was lucky enough to get a second chance, as this friend still remains one of my best. years down the road, when i went off the pill, the raging bitch returned. a little more mature, i was able to control myself more and not kill any relationships, but i still had that bitterness inside. somehow, during my pregnancy, the hormonal mess remained, for the most part, at bay. likely due to the excitement and the anticipation of the upcoming bundle of joy.

now that i am back to work and have moments alone with my thoughts during the day, maybe it is creeping back. again, i can't just blame hormones for my thoughts, feelings, and actions, but it does make me feel a little better knowing why i feel the way i do. and that there is an end.

i have 3 weeks to make it to my goal of breastfeeding for 6 months. i have enough milk in the freezer that i can probably start dropping a pumping during the day. i am ready to start weaning, and i'm looking forward to having my body all to myself for awhile. at least until child number 2 decides to take up residence, which i'll start looking into in another year.

in the meantime, let's have another round of happiness training:

This week I am thankful for:

- playing soccer. cheesy i know, but the euphoria i feel after running around kicking a ball as hard as i can for 90 minutes each sunday gets me motivated to start the week off right... i've been playing for 22 years and still have an odd pride in my "battle scars", aka unsightly bruises.

- Thomas' bagel thins. only ONE point! i've been making breakfast sandwiches every morning with egg whites, one thin slice of cheese, and these bagels, for a great 3 point start to my day. sometimes i even have them for lunch too!

- The hippie lady dog groomer. sure, when i went to pick up the puppies she began discussing the use of medicinal marijuana in cats, but she does a great job grooming and my living room has been spoonsie bear hair free for days!

Goals:

- Get into a routine. Walk the dogs in the morning, exercise, or take a walk during lunch. even on the days i work from home i need to get OUT for some kind of "commute" to get fresh air.

- Continue diet tracking. I got way off course for a few weeks, but now that weaning will begin, i cannot afford the extra calories!

and finally - take advantage of the dogs' interest in the kid starting to crawl. just look at how encouraging cannoli is being!

enjoy the weekend all. your normal happy gobblesmom will return soon!