Today I should have been 13 weeks pregnant, the start of the 2nd trimester. Instead I fielded a call from a nurse asking how I am coping, as tomorrow marks two weeks since my D&E. Tomorrow I will hold it together as we gather with my in-laws to celebrate Christmas and the news of our new niece or nephew that will be arriving this summer when mine should have. My sister-in-law will unwrap a gift from Disneyland Paris, baby pajamas with gingerbread men and the words Joyeux Noel. The half to a pair purchased for a set of cousins in anticipation of their first Christmas next year. Hubs and I spent more than a few minutes arguing about the sizing, 6 months vs 12 months (they had no 9s) or one of each? It is now so irrelevant, one will go unused packed away in a bag in the bottom of the closet, along with the tiny Darth Vader onesie I totally forgot we bought back in October until I found it stashed alongside some Christmas presents.
I'm trying desperately to take this whole "meant-to-be" thing people keep telling me to heart, but every time I do I get angry that the rug has been pulled out from under me. We had plans to give Gobbles the guest bed and the Lil Lobster Roll his since she's still using the crib as a daybed. This is still going to happen but now the guest room will sit furnished with nothing but a disassembled crib, a constant reminder of what we lost, waiting in limbo to see if there's a chance it can be used again. Part of me wants to book a vacation to escape, train for another marathon, or drink into oblivion. The other part wants to buckle down and try again right away, despite the stress and heartbreak that comes with negative tests month after month and that 40 weeks is a long time to commit to worrying that it could all fall apart at any minute.
I didn't mean to get so heavy, my original intention was just to introduce the following passages that I'm pasting below, entries intended to be put into the blog to track my pregnancy, typically emailed to myself during points of insomnia. The letters are unedited so I can remember the joyful tone I so recently had and hope that it can return someday...
October 17, 2015; 3.5 weeks
Dear baby pixie dust,
I can't believe my eyes. I just found out about you an hour ago and of course now I can't sleep even though your daddy and puppies are snoring away in here. Your aunt and uncle woke me up as they were leaving for the airport (who am I kidding. I'm always up at four in the morning). I was tossing and turning and thinking about our impending vacation to Disney world and I couldn't shake the feeling that I should check to see if you're there. And boom, after not even testing for you this month, there was a little hello from you, clear as day, after months of searching and dozens of tests! I was trying to hold off because we're going to the food and wine festival and I wanted to enjoy myself. But, I justified it by thinking if you're there you're there no matter if I test or not, so I might as well see so I can take it easy.
Well little one, I really hope you stick around, this world has so much love to give. You have a big big brother who is almost 6 and a big sister that will be 4 when you arrive sometime around June 29 of next year. And your Daddy is the best man I know, putting his family first always and loving all of us for who we are.
I'm getting dejavu from the night before we left for a Disney vacation in Hilton Head a few years ago, as that's when we found out I was pregnant with your sister. We've been trying hard for you and I was getting very emotional and impatient. I should have known that all it takes is a little faith, trust, and pixie dust. Just knowing you're here will make this vacation extra magical.
Well the alarm is now on snooze, I guess it's time to get the family up so we can get to our flight. Your first (or not if you were here last week when I was in Austin!) flight, certainly not your last.
I love you so much already baby!
Love,
Mommy
October 24, 2015:
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| This framed photo sat on our mantle on Thanksgiving for our families to see it. I think it's one of the most beautiful photos I've ever taken and less than a dozen people will even know of its existence. |
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| A "first visit" pin on my belly |
November 1, 2015:
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| racing while pregnant. |
November 14, 2015
7.5 weeks
Dear Pixie Dust,
Well here we are again with another 3am letter. We gotta stop waking up like this now and save it for when you arrive. Anyway, your brother is snoozing away next to me because he's been having some kindergarten fears and we're not going to make him face them alone at night, especially when the world can be a big scary place sometimes. Last night, some very bad people attacked a city that we're going to visit in a few weeks, but we can't let that scare us, or else how can we live?
Anyway, I don't want to get into world events with you right now, being not even eight weeks along. Let's talk about all your firsts already. First trip to Disney, check. Besides not drinking (more than a few sips here and there), you didn't keep me from doing anything else I'd normally do and we had a blast. We got you your first set of Mickey ears and did a little photo shoot with your siblings and they were none the wiser. Despite the exhaustion that's hit me since we've been back, I was able to run a 5k race with you at 5.5 weeks. 27:48, so a little over a 9 minute mile, which I'm happy with as I definitely didn't want to push it.
My appetite has been touch and go lately, downing chocolate milk in the morning, having a normal lunch, then turned off from eating until about 8 pm when I'll have a bowl of cereal right before bed. Cravings are tomato soup, milk, sometimes ice cream, and Ellios pizza. Sometimes just anything salty, definitely savory. I don't have any aversions right now but the fact that the Halloween candy bowl has not dwindled speaks volumes.
The best thing about this week is that I got to see you! At 7 weeks, 1 day I went in for an ultrasound and there was your heart fluttering away at first 190bpm but then settling to a cool 169. You measures at 7 weeks 4 days, and though my initial instinct was that you were a girl, the picture changed my mind and now I'm leaning towards boy. Only about 32 weeks until we find out the truth!
The only person besides mommy and daddy who knows about you right now is mommy's coworker Miss Sandy. She kind of guessed it and mommy needed someone to talk to. You will meet her someday and love her because she is awesome. We plan on telling our families at thanksgiving because everyone will be together.
Well I need to try and get some sleep now, so goodnight little one, stay safe in there. I probably won't get to hear your heartbeat again until we get back from our 10 year anniversary trip to Paris, so enjoy yourself. I love you more than you know already.
November 25, 2015:
News for the kids at 9 weeks
December 3, 2015:
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| Glowing, so happy to be in Paris pregnant |
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| I actually lit an intention at the Notre Dame Cathedral. For a happy and healthy baby. According to the measurements, the baby stopped growing / heart stopped beating 2 days later. |
December 4, 2015:
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| us at Versaille |
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| Complete bliss atop the Eiffel Tower. Everything was perfect. |
December 10, 2015
11 weeks
Dear Baby Pixie Dust,
It's your last few hours inside my belly but youre already gone. Two days ago I found out that your heart had stopped beating when you measured 10 weeks, 5 days. My gut instincts that morning were right. The dr said it was due to chromosomal issues based on seeing your shape. Oh pixie dust, my heart is aching right now.
We'd just gotten back from our anniversary trip to Paris, where you hung the whole time with all our walking and sightseeing. I rejected all the wines and soft cheeses and even the limoncello a little old Italian man offered us after are meal at a local cafe. Your Daddy and I excitedly chatted about our future and you. The kids were so jealous that you got to come along on the trip.
The kids. Yup your older brother and sister found out about you the night before thanksgiving and were elated. Every "thankful" night since your brother hugged my belly and showed his excitement for you. Your sister announced it in morning meeting at school the day before I found out you were gone. We even found out that you were going to have a cousin due the day after you. We bought matching Christmas pajamas for your first holidays together next year and everything was perfect!
Within days that little picture came crashing down. All I wanted to do when we got back from our trip was hear the puttering of your heart on the home dopplar, as we had consistently before we left. After 3 days of radio silence I called the doctor, wanting to be reassured that you were just hiding. When she had no luck they sent me for a ultrasound, where I learned of your passing. The agony I felt (and am still feeling) is like nothing I've experienced. I feel hollow and empty and angry and lost.
The news came on the eve of your brother's birthday, so we've been trying to keep busy in the normalcy of getting his party together. When we told the kids your big brother howled for a little while, hurt and confused and sad. Since then I've tried to keep my tears away from your siblings so they don't feel my pain. Instead I've talked to coworkers and friends who knew about you and cried in the car with certain songs or quietly in the middle of the night.
I know time heals all wounds, but damn I can't see it right now. A piece of me is gone with you, kid, and I'll never forget you. Your cousin will be a constant reminder of you but I don't want to take away any of their joy with my pain. Now that I've had two losses, if I do ever get pregnant again I will be forever paranoid through week 40, constantly scared of the sudden loss that could be sprung on me.
You were loved by more people than you know and you will be forever in our hearts.
Goodbye baby pixie dust, I love you.
Love,
Mommy
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