the gift of sleep

does he look tired? he should be. it's official. my little boy is no longer sleeping through the night. in fact, we may as well have just brought him home from the hospital. he's that bad, and it's been a week. how could this be? i read babywise cover to cover, did the eat, wake, sleep cycles for months, and had him sleeping through the night (9 hours at a time!) at 10 weeks. how could it all just fall apart? i think i managed to get 4 hours of sleep last night, all in 45 minute spurts.

for once i know it's not hunger that is keeping the gobbles awake. it's the need to be soothed, to make sure we're still there. he stops crying the minute i get into his room and look over him. in fact, he breaks out into a huge grin when i get in there "Playtime!" his eyes scream with delight. maybe somehow he knows that daycare is just 19 days away (sigh) and is trying to embrace all the time he can get with me. the only thing way he's been able to sleep more than 2 hours is by bringing him into our bed, letting him chill on his boppy between our pillows. i know, i know, call CPS. this was one of the many things i swore i would never do when i became a mom. but just like eating at the table, watching my language, and simply showering daily, all plans are out the window.

last night we attempted to start the controversial ferber method, which is basically letting the baby cry it out for short periods (starting at 5 minutes each), then heading in to soothe. you're supposed to gradually increase the amount of time between soothings. i think it was much harder on me than it was him. somewhere around the 8 minute mark after the umpteenth time of replacing his pacifier, i lost it. i turned down the monitor hoping i couldn't hear him, but our walls are thin. so i gave up. i went in, scooped up my baby, and brought him into our bed, whispering in his ear how sorry i was and promising him i'd never do it again. yet here i am, as i'm writing this, watching him fall asleep on the monitor and hoping he'll actually nap. i've depended on the swing so much for naps, but the poor kid is running out of time to learn to fall asleep on his own during the day, or else he'll never nap at daycare.

i now understand why there are so many spoiled kids out there. listening to your child cry is the most painful thing in the world. it'd be so much easier to just pick them up, use a temporary fix to stop the crying. i think this sleep training thing is as much to train the parents to not respond to every little whine as much as it is for the child to soothe themselves.

well, gobbles has started to cry, and it looks like i've failed again this morning, because i'm off to pick him up and cuddle with him. i'm so sorry son, i love you so much. hopefully momma will be a little braver tonight.