Wow. I never imagined you at four. I guess I just thought you'd be my little baby girl forever. You are so grown up and such a character that I have a hard time keeping up. First, I can never promise you anything because you have the memory of an elephant. You will bring up something I said in passing months before and hold me to it, or even more so you will point out some way a friend at school wronged you "yesterday" (last year) and use it as an excuse for a way you acted today. Song lyrics, books, tv shows, you can recount back to me the plot after just one time.
You say you're going to be an engineer (because you want to come to work with ME all the time), but I don't think so. You will likely be one of four things. First, an attorney, a trial lawyer to be exact. Because you argue up and down and use big words like "ridiculous" and have that crazy photographic memory. Second, I can also see you in sales / marketing of some sort. You are the opposite of shy and have a habit of sidling up to any adult you see and telling them your deepest darkest secrets, getting them to trust you. And you are an amazing liar. I have to drag it out of you 3 or 4 times before I get the truth because your cover story and deadpan face is just that good. So that trait could contribute to either of those potential careers.
There is a whole other side of you though, that leads me to think you could be a nurse/doctor/veterinarian or an actress. You have such a caring way about you when you attend to your puppies, your dolls, and the affection you show to me (well lets face it everyone) is nothing but love. You exude personality and are always coming up with something crazy that you just love and are so passionate about that you want to implement it into every aspect of your life- your artwork, pretend play, and stories. Currently, Powerpuff Girls, My Little Pony Equestria Girls, Paw Patrol, Barbies, and of course the Disney Princesses (namely Jasmine) take the lead in all of your fun. Let's not forget JEM, of course, whom after you themed your birthday party. Though hesitant at first, you loved getting up and singing on the stage and totally got into the songs you knew well. Every morning when there's a spare minute before school you and your brother are in the living room pounding away on the piano or fighting over the harmonica or karaoke machine.
Just this week you moved up to the Pre-K room at school, your very last transition ever, and I can barely contain myself. Less than a year and a half and you'll be in kindergarten! Having gotten stellar marks on your preschool progress report (including helping others and inclusiveness, which I LOVE to see), you were finally a bit challenged in your first day. Even socially, it took some adjusting as you hovered around the classroom "queen bees" and decided you have your bff but the others you don't have time for because they say mean things to others like "stupid". I'm proud of you for standing up to them and not allowing yourself to be intimidated, even being the youngest in the class.
We had your birthday party a week late because I was away for work on your real birthday weekend, but it was worth the wait. You wanted a JEM themed party with singing and dancing on stage so we had it at a local performing arts company. It was a bit awkward at first, as karaoke always is, but you and your friends got really into it and it was amazing and hilarious to watch. You have such a spunky personality and a passion when you sing (even if you are a bit tone deaf just like me) that it entertains and enthuses everyone around. All of your friends and their parents talked about your party with smiles on their faces, a great time had by all. And when you're older and you're at a karaoke bar at 1:30 in the morning, with half of your friends wanting to leave for pizza, some wanting to keep singing, and a handful falling asleep, you'll understand just why you guys were so entertaining. We love it!
Finally, my mommy guilt got to me for being away for your birthday and I made you a big promise which I delivered on just this past weekend. We got your ears pierced. You spend the entire week leading up to it talking to everyone about how excited you were and when Friday finally came you were ready. You went to dance class even though you asked if we could skip it because you were so eager to get your ears done. After dance you rushed me out, nervously talking about how if it would hurt that's ok because it's just a pinch. When we got to the kiosk in the mall you spend a long time selecting the perfect pair of earrings to remain in your ears for 6-8 weeks. I tried to guide you to some simple studs but you finally came to rest on a pair of gold princess crowns that had just enough sparkle in them. We selected two other pairs to have after you could change them and gave everything to the lady to ring up. You climbed up into the chair, excited but anxious and looked at the bowl of lollipops on the counter, reaching for one like you owned the joint. When the ladies told you to go ahead you popped it in your mouth and didn't notice them approach with the guns. They marked your ears with the markers and you proclaimed it didn't hurt at all. We laughed and got right to the piercing. For about 15 seconds you said "owie owiee owieeeee" then asked for the pretzel I promised you. I proclaimed how beautiful you looked and told you about how brave you were since I'd cried when I got mine done when I was 5, and you included that little tidbit forever after in your response to people asking if it hurt when you got them done. I love it how you were so proud that you didn't cry, my toughie.
Well munch, I think I've covered it all. You are a big girl now, 4 years old. Maybe you'll stop sucking your thumb like you've been promising for a year now? It's ok if you don't though, you know I'll always love you no matter what. And I know, that no matter what you say to me during your little moments of angst (which I can't believe happen at this age already!), I'll just keep replaying your sweet little voice in my head I'm thankful for my family! I have the best family ever. Best Mommy ever, best Daddy ever, best brother EVER. Don't forget, YOU are the best too Lobster. We love you more than you'll ever know.
Love,
Mommy
My favorite meal - mussels!
I get into the part when I play sleeping beauty
Creativity center... making markers!
Getting Blessings and God from my best girl!
Loving nights in with mommy and my brother.
Yes. That cake is made of krimpets and chocolate cupcakes. Gee, thanks mom.
I LOVE jewelry making!
My Jasmine outfit is the BEST
What I chose to wear to school on the day we celebrated my birthday
My Aunt is the BEST for taking me all day on my birthday!
I love being at grandmom's too!
And i'm really not to shabby of an artist either... Powerpuff girls!
So excited for my JEM party
JEM is outrageous!
I'm really into it.
Happy Birthday to ME!
All my pals
These speak for themselves. I may have started off timid, but I rocked it ;)
Oddly enough, this turned out to be my favorite present, even though I have like 5,000 tents...
Dressing my girl up!
I love coming to mommy's work because I get my nails did...
I wrote the below a week ago when I was on a 6+ hour long plane ride and not in a good place. The conference I went to was distracting enough that I'd forgotten about it until today. On the plane ride home I was even hopeful and positive at the thought of trying again, thyroid issues be damned. Then I found out about the Zika virus. It's not in the Bahamas yet, but not worth the risk of possibly trying again before that. Or within 30 days of coming home. Seriously, fuck it all. Now I'm back in my rut with my thyroid still stalling - 3 weeks worth of diet and exercise has yielded an almighty 1 lb loss. So if you're keeping track that's still 9 lbs up since the D&E. So for the spring I can look forward to wearing maternity clothes for the sole reason that nothing else fits, as I reiterate, fuck it all.
At least today I'm more on the agitated side than the sobbing side like seen here:
This is my 2nd time flying to SFO. The first was March of 2009 when I was pregnant with Gobbles. No one knew it yet and I was giddy with excitement and my secret, but also a little scared having gone through a miscarriage a few months before.
Today it's the opposite- I should be 17 weeks pregnant but instead I'm looking out the window over the mountains letting the tears flow silently then recomposing myself before anyone has the chance to see. My book isn't distracting enough so I'm listening to my music and playing minesweeper on my phone trying to numb my brain for the 6 hour flight. As the lyrics roll into my ears my head is filled with more. The pain, the sting, the fucking platitudes I've been hearing for 5 weeks now.
"It wasn't meant to be" - tell me something I don't know "Be thankful for the children you have" - please don't imply that I'm not grateful for them have just because I'm grieving the on I lost! "At least you know you can get pregnant" -um yea, and I know how easily the pregnancy can be over too. "Let me know if you need anything" - don't put it on me to ask for help when it's quite obvious.
People who really wanted to help have, even more than I needed. with casseroles and cakes and flowers. Texts telling me they're thinking of me and calls begging me to take my kids so that I get some "me" time. There is a woman who works in the office across the hall who has been checking in on me and being a sounding board. Telling me I'm strong and though I will get through it's ok to take all the time I need.
I kept telling myself that I'll enjoy this trip a lot better since I can do all the Napa wine tasting but I changed my mind. Nope. I trade that and the recently booked girls' weekend in the Bahamas (an all inclusive form of self medication) to have that baby back in my belly right now.
Yesterday when I picked up the kids they handed me a pile of artwork like they always do. The Lobster specified one paper plate and said "this mask is for the baby when we get another one". It took all I had to not break down in the middle of the discovery room as I gently reminded her that yes we miss the baby and hopefully, someday, another one will come into my belly.
I don't really know where to go with this post, I do feel better getting words out on paper. Not enough to tide me over until my "thyroiditis" is fixed and we can start trying again, but enough that when I get off the plane I won't look like I've been crying.
I started writing this entry a few weeks ago. I wasn't too wrapped up in the emotion of my boy getting older because I was so wrapped up in other issues as I last posted. But now that I'm finally giving this a title and all I'm starting to well up. I remember writing his 6 month letter and it seems like yesterday. And now we're 1/3 of the way to 18. PLEASE slow down, time.
Dear Gobbles,
Your 6th birthday came this year amid a flutter of chaos in our house but still you handled it with the grace and maturity of a much older kid. As always, I am incredibly thankful for that. Buddy, you seem so grown up right now, only in kindergarten but already my little helper with chores and your sister and just an all around good guy. When we get home from school you hop out and get the mail, let the dogs out, bring them back in and wipe their paws, feed them, and start your homework. Sure, you put up a bit of a fight with the homework but I get it, you don't get home til after 6 and you're hungry and tire and it's the last thing you want to do when there's tv to watch and you just want to unwind. But you're good at it, you breeze through it and I'll just give it a quick check and you're on your way. Like me, you spend more time fighting over doing it than you spend actually doing it!
School is going well for you, academically I have no worries as you're already interested in math up to multiplication and you're reading all the books school sends home. The fall has been a bit touch and go with your friends. You have two bffs you've had since you started in the infant room and I think the rule of 3 is coming in when you guys are deciding what to what to play at recess. Batman vs Star Wars (you fighting for the latter) between two stubborn kids and the tiebreaker. You've branched out though and I've heard you talk about other kids you've become friends with. You also have your girlfriend D who you know I love and your sister is bffs with her sis (and her mom and I get along famously). You are always so sweet with her, holding her hand and sharing your stuff, even holding doors with her. I love it.
And speaking of sweet, you have the biggest heart of any 6 year old I know, always drawing pictures for me or making extra airplanes for your sister. I am so incredibly proud of you for what you decided to do for your birthday party this year. We found out you could have parties at the local SPCA, so we asked you and of course you jumped all over the idea of having dogs and cats at your party. I gave you an option of getting presents from your friends like normal or requesting donations (presents for the dogs and cats) instead. You didn't even hesitate when you said Mommy, the dogs don't even have homes, we need to bring them presents. Your intentions were so sweet and my heart is still swollen with pride. Your party ended up being a big success, with other kids loving the animals just as you do. Despite the offer though, no one went home with any live party favors!
Finally, since I missed the entire fall a few updates on you.
-Your favorite color has shifted from yellow to red because you are a jr sith lord who was emperor palpatine on Halloween and Darth Vader and now Kilo Ren are your heroes. We saw Star Wars a few days ago and you sat agape the entire show, enthralled for over two hours. You still have an immense interest in science and planets and all that fun and seem to understand the big picture when we explain things like season change and even day and night.
-You got your report card and of the nearly 90 ranked kindergarten assessments you received 3/3 on all but 3 of them. You know you're a smart kid but please, always remember to work hard and not give up.
-You've currently changed your career choice from engineer to dog rescuer. You don't care that Daddy and I told you that wasn't really a "career", because that's what you're going to do. Yes, you have gotten a bit more argumentative in your old age but if you didn't I'd start to wonder where you came from.
-You already eat like a teenager in terms of quantity and love fruit. Your palate has recently expanded from just ordering pizza or mac n cheese at restaurants to burgers and more. You haven't stopped talking about the chicken parm I made for you and you even ate loads of clams Daddy made on New Years Eve. Keep it up, always be open to new things because you never know what you'll like.
-You may or may not become the next american ninja warrior. You can climb trees and monkey bars with ease and can maneuver yourself on top of them in ways that I even can't. Just please be careful up there buddy.
Well my favorite time of the day is almost here - when I pick you guys up from school and you greet me with the best hug and Hi Mommy! in the world, usually followed by Look at this ___ I made today!
I love you more than you'll ever know! (and yes, as you told me when I said this on your birthday Mo-om, you ALWAYS write that....)
Love,
Mommy
You made star wars puppets during after-care one day. You made your sister put on a puppet show with you and it was awesome.
You loved this horse so much you asked if we could get one.
Yup, that's an adult order. No problem for you.
A boy and his best friends.
You do still go back to your old faithfuls.. Make your own pizza? Every. Time.
Just a leisurely ride through the neighborhood.
this is you (in the blue) after I told you to NOT go as high. To me this is still too high!
A sick day at my work, you made no complaints about doing some math too...
You prefer apple pie (or cookies) to cake...
She loves you so much.
One of the many things to decorate your mini-adult room. Others include more posters, a lightsaber lamp, star wars decals, and a full size bed complete with Star Wars comforter.
Best birthday party ever. As you've been told!
A random weeknight with your girlfriend.
Your favorite Santa gift - the Force Push
I forgot to mention what a great helper you are with putting things together. Here you are taking apart the daybed/crib to move out of your sisters room.
Legos = awesome!
Day 2 of Christmas break at grandmom's house. yikes!
Day three of Christmas break at work with me. That day you told one of my coworkers how funny it was when Spoons jumped on you and it "tickled my wee wee..." yikes again!
Your new old favorite game, chess.
Finally! A seafood eater. Yummy clams.
Your New Years' Kiss at midnight!
I have a feeling this will get a lot of use this summer!
It's been awhile. A lot has happened. There will be plenty of time to write about the fun, travel, and birthdays that have occurred since I've last written. But right now my heart is not in it. I can only seem to focus on the last 2 weeks as my life and plans seemed to unravel behind the scenes while I put on a happy face and plodded through. Christmas is in two days but my spirit is somewhat broken. I'll never let the kids see though because Lord knows they've been through enough already.
Today I should have been 13 weeks pregnant, the start of the 2nd trimester. Instead I fielded a call from a nurse asking how I am coping, as tomorrow marks two weeks since my D&E. Tomorrow I will hold it together as we gather with my in-laws to celebrate Christmas and the news of our new niece or nephew that will be arriving this summer when mine should have. My sister-in-law will unwrap a gift from Disneyland Paris, baby pajamas with gingerbread men and the words Joyeux Noel. The half to a pair purchased for a set of cousins in anticipation of their first Christmas next year. Hubs and I spent more than a few minutes arguing about the sizing, 6 months vs 12 months (they had no 9s) or one of each? It is now so irrelevant, one will go unused packed away in a bag in the bottom of the closet, along with the tiny Darth Vader onesie I totally forgot we bought back in October until I found it stashed alongside some Christmas presents.
I'm trying desperately to take this whole "meant-to-be" thing people keep telling me to heart, but every time I do I get angry that the rug has been pulled out from under me. We had plans to give Gobbles the guest bed and the Lil Lobster Roll his since she's still using the crib as a daybed. This is still going to happen but now the guest room will sit furnished with nothing but a disassembled crib, a constant reminder of what we lost, waiting in limbo to see if there's a chance it can be used again. Part of me wants to book a vacation to escape, train for another marathon, or drink into oblivion. The other part wants to buckle down and try again right away, despite the stress and heartbreak that comes with negative tests month after month and that 40 weeks is a long time to commit to worrying that it could all fall apart at any minute.
I didn't mean to get so heavy, my original intention was just to introduce the following passages that I'm pasting below, entries intended to be put into the blog to track my pregnancy, typically emailed to myself during points of insomnia. The letters are unedited so I can remember the joyful tone I so recently had and hope that it can return someday...
October 17, 2015; 3.5 weeks Dear baby pixie dust,
I can't believe my eyes. I just found out about you an hour ago and of course now I can't sleep even though your daddy and puppies are snoring away in here. Your aunt and uncle woke me up as they were leaving for the airport (who am I kidding. I'm always up at four in the morning). I was tossing and turning and thinking about our impending vacation to Disney world and I couldn't shake the feeling that I should check to see if you're there. And boom, after not even testing for you this month, there was a little hello from you, clear as day, after months of searching and dozens of tests! I was trying to hold off because we're going to the food and wine festival and I wanted to enjoy myself. But, I justified it by thinking if you're there you're there no matter if I test or not, so I might as well see so I can take it easy.
Well little one, I really hope you stick around, this world has so much love to give. You have a big big brother who is almost 6 and a big sister that will be 4 when you arrive sometime around June 29 of next year. And your Daddy is the best man I know, putting his family first always and loving all of us for who we are.
I'm getting dejavu from the night before we left for a Disney vacation in Hilton Head a few years ago, as that's when we found out I was pregnant with your sister. We've been trying hard for you and I was getting very emotional and impatient. I should have known that all it takes is a little faith, trust, and pixie dust. Just knowing you're here will make this vacation extra magical.
Well the alarm is now on snooze, I guess it's time to get the family up so we can get to our flight. Your first (or not if you were here last week when I was in Austin!) flight, certainly not your last.
I love you so much already baby! Love, Mommy October 24, 2015:
This framed photo sat on our mantle on Thanksgiving for our families to see it. I think it's one of the most beautiful photos I've ever taken and less than a dozen people will even know of its existence.
A "first visit" pin on my belly
November 1, 2015:
racing while pregnant.
November 14, 2015 7.5 weeks
Dear Pixie Dust,
Well here we are again with another 3am letter. We gotta stop waking up like this now and save it for when you arrive. Anyway, your brother is snoozing away next to me because he's been having some kindergarten fears and we're not going to make him face them alone at night, especially when the world can be a big scary place sometimes. Last night, some very bad people attacked a city that we're going to visit in a few weeks, but we can't let that scare us, or else how can we live?
Anyway, I don't want to get into world events with you right now, being not even eight weeks along. Let's talk about all your firsts already. First trip to Disney, check. Besides not drinking (more than a few sips here and there), you didn't keep me from doing anything else I'd normally do and we had a blast. We got you your first set of Mickey ears and did a little photo shoot with your siblings and they were none the wiser. Despite the exhaustion that's hit me since we've been back, I was able to run a 5k race with you at 5.5 weeks. 27:48, so a little over a 9 minute mile, which I'm happy with as I definitely didn't want to push it. My appetite has been touch and go lately, downing chocolate milk in the morning, having a normal lunch, then turned off from eating until about 8 pm when I'll have a bowl of cereal right before bed. Cravings are tomato soup, milk, sometimes ice cream, and Ellios pizza. Sometimes just anything salty, definitely savory. I don't have any aversions right now but the fact that the Halloween candy bowl has not dwindled speaks volumes. The best thing about this week is that I got to see you! At 7 weeks, 1 day I went in for an ultrasound and there was your heart fluttering away at first 190bpm but then settling to a cool 169. You measures at 7 weeks 4 days, and though my initial instinct was that you were a girl, the picture changed my mind and now I'm leaning towards boy. Only about 32 weeks until we find out the truth!
The only person besides mommy and daddy who knows about you right now is mommy's coworker Miss Sandy. She kind of guessed it and mommy needed someone to talk to. You will meet her someday and love her because she is awesome. We plan on telling our families at thanksgiving because everyone will be together. Well I need to try and get some sleep now, so goodnight little one, stay safe in there. I probably won't get to hear your heartbeat again until we get back from our 10 year anniversary trip to Paris, so enjoy yourself. I love you more than you know already. November 25, 2015:
News for the kids at 9 weeks
December 3, 2015:
Glowing, so happy to be in Paris pregnant
I actually lit an intention at the Notre Dame Cathedral. For a happy and healthy baby. According to the measurements, the baby stopped growing / heart stopped beating 2 days later.
December 4, 2015:
us at Versaille
Complete bliss atop the Eiffel Tower. Everything was perfect.
December 10, 2015 11 weeks
Dear Baby Pixie Dust,
It's your last few hours inside my belly but youre already gone. Two days ago I found out that your heart had stopped beating when you measured 10 weeks, 5 days. My gut instincts that morning were right. The dr said it was due to chromosomal issues based on seeing your shape. Oh pixie dust, my heart is aching right now. We'd just gotten back from our anniversary trip to Paris, where you hung the whole time with all our walking and sightseeing. I rejected all the wines and soft cheeses and even the limoncello a little old Italian man offered us after are meal at a local cafe. Your Daddy and I excitedly chatted about our future and you. The kids were so jealous that you got to come along on the trip.
The kids. Yup your older brother and sister found out about you the night before thanksgiving and were elated. Every "thankful" night since your brother hugged my belly and showed his excitement for you. Your sister announced it in morning meeting at school the day before I found out you were gone. We even found out that you were going to have a cousin due the day after you. We bought matching Christmas pajamas for your first holidays together next year and everything was perfect!
Within days that little picture came crashing down. All I wanted to do when we got back from our trip was hear the puttering of your heart on the home dopplar, as we had consistently before we left. After 3 days of radio silence I called the doctor, wanting to be reassured that you were just hiding. When she had no luck they sent me for a ultrasound, where I learned of your passing. The agony I felt (and am still feeling) is like nothing I've experienced. I feel hollow and empty and angry and lost.
The news came on the eve of your brother's birthday, so we've been trying to keep busy in the normalcy of getting his party together. When we told the kids your big brother howled for a little while, hurt and confused and sad. Since then I've tried to keep my tears away from your siblings so they don't feel my pain. Instead I've talked to coworkers and friends who knew about you and cried in the car with certain songs or quietly in the middle of the night.
I know time heals all wounds, but damn I can't see it right now. A piece of me is gone with you, kid, and I'll never forget you. Your cousin will be a constant reminder of you but I don't want to take away any of their joy with my pain. Now that I've had two losses, if I do ever get pregnant again I will be forever paranoid through week 40, constantly scared of the sudden loss that could be sprung on me.
You were loved by more people than you know and you will be forever in our hearts. Goodbye baby pixie dust, I love you.
