Sweet Relief

I think I'm finally on my way.  I've slept through the night three times this week (not including the 4am feeding for lil lobster roll), but after the feeding?  I was able to fall back asleep.  It was glorious, I haven't fallen back asleep after waking up around 3-4 am since October.  October, when things got drastically shuffled around at work and I ended up reporting to the biggest (literally and figuratively) scumbag in the world.  The first time he screamed at me I went into the bathroom and cried.   Same with the second, and the third.  When he changed my schedule that I had been working for 18 months just to be a jerk, I took it in stride and told myself just 12 more weeks, 11 more weeks, 10 more weeks until leave.

The first time I talked to HR was November first.  I was very even-keeled about this discussion and talked about the jerk's inability to effectively communicate what he wants, changing his mind on a whim after days of effort had been put into a project, and cutting deals with my vendors that undermined my authority.  I brought up that his approach and demeanor to any request he would make of me was unprofessional and rude, and given his history for throwing people under the bus and getting them fired (my predecessor was still involved in a lawsuit for wrongful termination), I had become fearful of making my own decisions or doing what is right because I was afraid he would fire me.  HR noted the email I sent and stuck their head back in the sand.

Two weeks later, I forwarded them an email where he threw around terms like "please apply yourself" to correct problems that he caused, but pinning them on me and trying to indicate to our higher ups (who were copied on the emails) that it was me screwing everything up.

The week before Christmas was a week from hell.  I documented three straight days of harassment, including a verbal tirade that got so loud and heated that was overheard by a woman who works for our client.  She was so concerned for me and my physical well being that she walked me out of the building that evening.  Next day included the scum referring to maternity leave as vacation and disciplining me for refusing to climb a ladder onto the roof (I was 35 weeks pregnant at this point).  On the third day he was actually waiting for me at my cube to scream at me some more, over ridiculous things like teaming up with other departments to resource their experts (example - I'm not a mechanic, and there was a mechanical problem with the fans a contractor installed.  I asked the mechanics to be with us when we looked at the fan so they can agree / disagree with the diagnosis).  Basically the man screamed at me for trying to look into problems, things he most likely was behind and wanted covered up.  This last one occurred less than 4 feet from HR and the scum's boss, yet everyone is so used to his asshole demeanor that they didn't notice at all. 

After Christmas week HR finally told the scum that he wasn't allowed to speak to me unless his boss was present.  To me this was too little too late.  Especially because in my remaining weeks there, the scum turned his wrath on the poor young new hire who was hired to help out while I was gone.  I resolved to myself that I had too much self respect to ever work for this scum again.

The icing on the cake was that when I come back from leave I will likely have to work the ridiculous schedule the scum proposed - 3 pm to midnight 5 days a week.   These people have no clue.   I am a professional, and I don't have to stand for it.  They were FLOORED when I called them yesterday to tell them I won't be coming back.  Who in their right mind would think a mother of two would re-enter an environment like that?  And yes, I waited until less than a week before my return date to tell them.  I had to make sure all my disability and vacation pay had been taken care of.  (don't get me started on how screwed up the disability was for awhile!).  I figured it was the least I could do after what they put me through.  Hubs wanted me to wait until the day I was supposed to report and not show up.  I just wanted to sever my ties as soon as possible.

24 hours before that awkward phone call was placed yesterday is when I got it.  My sweet relief.  I got the offer letter that I trust will change my life.  Or at least my stress level.  Six weeks ago I contacted my old boss from my job prior ('07-'10) and asked about some connections he had to a small consulting firm in the area.  I had loved what I was doing at my old job but the travel didn't make it feasible.  This small firm does the same kind of work, and some travelling, but they don't move you out to a jobsite like my prior company.  He connected me to the owner of the firm and we proceeded to have meetings, phone calls, and negotiations that resulted in this: 

I am now a proud part-time working momma!

Things could not have gone any more perfectly.  There will be some travel involved, but 3-4 days a month, tops.  (and is it bad to say a little part of me is looking forward to those "nights off" even though I love and will miss my babies desperately?).  My base work will be Mon-Thurs 8 hours a day, with occasional need for extra hours... BUT, the majority of the work can be done at home.  So, sick kid?  No prob!  Trip to the shore?  No prob!  Activity at the kids' daycare?  No prob - I can do the work in the evening at home!  A year ago if someone had asked what my ideal job would be, this is it.  I'll be using my brain again doing forensic engineering and project management consulting, and maybe a few stints with expert testimony.  It is worth every penny of the paycut needed to accommodate a shortened work week, because no money is worth what I went through the last 6 months. 

I'm starting to regain faith that God really does have a plan... if our house had sold and we had splurged on the new one, we may not have been able to afford me taking this job.  But now we can take a second look at our budget and iron down exactly what we can get... So now, maybe showing number 60 (*cringe!*) will bring us some luck. 

In the meantime, I'm just so happy to have more chances to have radom moments like this:

The best part of helping Mommy in the kitchen!!

Or This:

Just a Spring Day

Yesterday I woke up to the sound of Gobbles whining... he did NOT want to go to school when Daddy woke him up to get dressed.  He has a new habit of screaming for whoever isn't making him cry at the moment.  When I put him in timeout he cries for Daddy.  When we both discipline him he cries for Grandmom.  There was one day he cried for his teacher.  Yesterday was no different - Mommmmmmy! I want Mommy I hear from the other room.  Hubs responded that I was asleep.  Lil Lobster Rolllllll!   Yes, next I hear, Gobbles is screaming for his baby sister - I love it! 

Since it was going to be a beautiful day and my time left on leave is limited, I figured why fight it, let the kid stay home.  We warned him he was missing pizza day but he didn't care... so I told him, ok but Mommy wants to sleep in a bit - come on into bed.  We do this a lot on the weekends - bring Gobbles into our bed at 7 am so we can take our time waking up.  He will lay there and if we close our eyes he'll explore one of our faces - tug on my ear, stick his hand in my mouth, or poke a finger up my nose... that's usually enough to get me up.  Usually when I open my eyes his big brown eyes are right there, curiously looking at me before he breaks out into a huge smile.  Yesterday when I finally opened my eyes for him, no less than 5 minutes after we resolved to "sleep in", he whispered Mommy I want my breakfast?  And just like that, it was time to start our day.

The Lil Lobster Roll was still sleeping as I had just fed her the hour prior, so I got Gobbles all settled watching Barney and eating Cheerios before going to take care of his sister.  We had a low key morning in front of the TV as I finished up some chores.  Gobbles decided to make nice with the Lobstah by reading the letters on her shirt to her and telling her not to cry during tummy time.  He's getting to be so good with her.

When she went down for a nap we decided to dye Easter Eggs.  (I had quickly hard boiled some during breakfast so they'd be ready to dye by midmorning).  Besides trying to drink the vinegar, Gobbles did great.  He carefully selected each egg to be a particular color, then helped roll them around in the cup to get the color to stain.  After we set them to dry, he got a little impatient and began picking them up, running the dye all over.  Nonetheless, we had a blast.  After they dried he put a few stickers on but quickly got bored with that - he'd much rather pepper someone's shirt with stickers than an egg!  Later that day as we walked through the kitchen, the dyes were still sitting in their cups.  Ooohhh Mommy - look at the pretttty colors!   haha.

I managed to give Gobbles lunch while his sister was sleeping too, and even gave in to his request for extra Wheat Thins - his favorite snack!  We had a very sarcastic conversation about where things are...
- Gobbles: Mommy, where'd Daddy go?
- Me:  I don't know?  Is he under the table? 
- Gobbles:  Noooooo
- Me: Is he hiding behind Spoonsie Bear?
- Gobbles: Noooo... he's at work!  Crunchin the numbers!
- Mommy, where'd the wheat thins go?
- I don't know Gobbles, where are the what thins?
- They're in my Belly!!!
This conversation went on and on about the dogs, the baby, and back to Daddy again.  I love the way he cracks himself up!

Gobbles then had a successful nap...too bad I couldn't time them to nap together... during his nap the Lobastah was mostly up, eating and chatting away with me - lots of coos and giggles!  When he woke up Cannoli ran to the door aching to get in, so I decided to send him and watch the fun from the monitor.  I only wish I recorded it.  Oh look - it's cohlie!  Hi Cohlie!  - Cannoli proceeded to lick him up and down - Ahh Cohlie you give me kisses!  hahaha!  - Then Cannoli jumped off the bed and started sniffing around the room - Cohlie where'd you go?  Cohlie what are you doing down there?  Get out of there!! (sounds like he's been listening to us yell at the dogs too much!).

After the nap we got ready to go to the playground.  This involved taking the dogs out for potty first and I always check with Gobbles when I'm doing a chore - do you want to come with mommy or stay on the couch?  He wanted to stay on the couch with his snack, so I carried the fussy baby out, leashed up the dogs, and went out into the yard.  All of the sudden I hear Mommy, come back inside! I turn around to see Gobbles standing in the driveway with his snack bowl still in hand.  Sometimes I forget that he's so old he can open doors and go in and out of the house as he pleases.  Oh my big boy.

Anyway, we made it to the park and again Gobbles amazed me with just how big he's become.  Still not a fan of the swings, he didn't really spend too much time at his usual spinning wheel or even on the slide.  All he wanted to do was run and climb.  The monkey bars are all of the sudden a favorite, but he doesn't have the strength to swing across yet.  This gave me a workout because I was already holding the baby in the sling strapped to my chest, so in order to help Gobbles across the bars I had to reach out and use just arms to lift him.  Who needs post baby workouts when you're lifting two kids at a time?  Gobbles loved it though, and only took a break for a second to run under the play set and show some 7 year old girls how good he is at rolling.  A little ladies' man apparently. 

Dirty and exhausted, we left the park just as hubs was getting home and Gobbles had dinner (he did NOT like the egg salad I made from some of the dyed eggs.  or fart salad as his dad calls it).  After the kids were both in bed I had a couple bites of the egg salad then used the rest of my weight watchers points to have two beers (10 points!).  I reiterated to my husband as we unwound that though I had a ton of fun on our unexpected day of activities, I was beat and could never be a stay at home mom full time.  BRAVO to those of you that do it, because it takes more patience, stamina, and heart to do it day in and day out. 

So... 9 hours' worth of cell phone pics:

You have letters on your shirt!  L.I.L.S.I.S.Q. (he loves the letter Q and adds it to everything!)

Don't touch my truck!  It's very special and we keep it in the box when we're not playing with it!

Boy Momma, this brother of mine is a handful isn't he?

But he cracks me up and so do you!

You shall be ORANGE!

I have six eggies Mom! 

Please stop with the pictures now!

Whoops!  I shouldn't pick them up when they're wet?

Yay for the mailman!

Cohlie - STOP barking at the mailman!

HAHAHA Mommy - the wheat thins are in my belly!

I'm so funny!

Look at me!  I'm hanging!

Just like a monkey!

Um.... now what?

Hey Ladies!  Imma rollin!  Yea don't mine my mom over there - she can't come under here with that baby strapped to her chest!

A full day's play makes one do funny things, like put bowls on their head.  Just don't cut my hair, ok?

another middle of the night post

that i wrote last Friday night and just found in my email...

 It's 3:04 am as I rock the lil lobster roll to the puttering of rain against the window. Trying to wake her up to nurse from the other side even though she ate for 6 minutes already... Lightning brighter than day lights flashes behind the pink curtains followed by a tremendous thunder. Less concerned about my little girl waking up, I strain to hear if there are cries coming from Gobbles room. I wonder if he does wake up, will he need to come cuddle in our bed or require one of us to hunker down in his room, surely he'll need us since it's his first storm without the pacifier. It's 3:12 now and the lightning is more sparse and thunder is fading. The rain slows too. The storm has passed and the house is silent. There is no waking up this baby now, so I'll lay her back in her crib and hope she'll sleep until daylight. A 7 hour stretch of sleep behind us, we know our time in this rocker is limited, for which I am thankful and a little wistful. Her infancy is passing with the quickness of a spring thunderstorm...

On Having a Daugher

I was never a girly girl.  Growing up, I preferred basketballs to barbie dolls, t-shirts to dresses, and function to beauty.  When I got engaged I promptly created an elaborate budget spreadsheet and listed a month by month schedule of tasks, as opposed to other brides who would pull out magazine clippings and color inspirations.  Sure, I've always had the emotions that make me 100% woman, but I've tended towards more stereotypically male-dominated activities - sports, math, heck even my career is 90% male. 

When I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I figured I'd raise her on what I knew, and if she needed fashion, makeup, or trend advice, she had 3 more than capable aunts to take care of it.  If it had been left solely up to me,  the Lil Lobster Roll would have kicked it in her big brothers' hand me downs most of the time because, really, all babies do is poop and spit up, right?   But then people began to buy pink. And pastel. And just overall ADORABLE things.  And it sucked me in.  I have never put as much effort into getting dressed as I have with my daughter.  I'm having more fun than anyone should but I just love dressing her up in all the little girly girl outfits.  To the point where I haven't even bought my poor son an Easter suit yet.  I have fun dressing him up, but not like this. 

I've even started putting a little more effort into myself.  Not clothes yet as I'm still working on the baby weight, but I've worn earrings a number of times recently and have started accessorizing a little bit.  Not a big accomplishment for most, but for someone who can count on one hand the number of times I've worn makeup, it's huge.  (Though I will say makeup still scares me and I'll get there eventually, maybe 15 years from now when the lil lobster roll starts!).  My little girl has inspired me - I want to be a Mommy who has shoes and dresses that she'll want to try on and play dress up.

This past Sunday was her baptism day, and as I dressed my baby girl in her beautiful dress purchased for her by her Godmother, I welled up.  She looked so beautiful, and a moment flashed in my mind that someday I'd be helping her into a wedding dress.  Then I got nervous thinking about her growing up, and how life gets so hard sometimes, and how all I wanted to do was protect her from everything in the world.  My innocent pretty little girl, I just want her to be this sweet and protected forever.  Now I'm starting to sound like an old-fashioned bitty, because I've never felt the need to shelter Gobbles in this way, but it's just different with a girl, and I finally understand it.  Maybe because I am a girl and I know all of the social pressures to look and act a certain way, I just don't want the Lobster Roll to ever feel like she has to be anything other than herself.  I'm thankful to have had a close-knit group of girls in my later teenage years that gave me the confidence for me to find myself, because prior to befriending them, I can definitely see my insecure middle school self heading down other, scarier paths.

I'm sure my Lil Lobster Roll will have all the confidence and female empowerment she needs, as all her Daddy and I do is tell her how pretty she is - I mean, really, we can't help it.  She is just so pretty!  And I know the blessing of having an older brother will keep her in line from becoming one of those girls, the ones that are all material, no substance.  But I just hope I'm able to keep up with it all, that she'll be proud to be my daughter, and that she'll look up to me and want to be just like me.  I'm ready learn how to be the best role model my daughter could want.  I just need to round out my feminine side a little more.  So next up... learning to walk in heels.

Mommy's little Angel!

Thanks Mommy!  I trust you!

You picked out my headband, that's a start!

I feel just like a Disney Princess

I'm glad you stuck with the headband... this thing makes me feel like I should be churning butter...

You did ok dressing me up to meet the easter bunny...

Too bad we never made it because Gobbles got scared....

See Mommy, I'm happy chilling in a tshirt too!

And I'm just being my silly self!

And I don't even mind you put me in Gobble's old jeans!

As long as I got my rockstae Minnie, I couldn't be cuter, right?

You've served me well dear pacifier, but it's time to say goodbye.

When Gobbles was a baby, there was nothing we could do to get a good nights' sleep.  Ok, even when he was a toddler, same thing.  So far his sister is proving a better sleeper, and we hope that continues.  One of the things that actually helped get him to sleep was his pacifier.  Who knew a little piece of plastic and rubber could mean so much to a kid?  We used it to soothe him from being fussy early in life, but somewhere around a year or so, we designated it to be a "crib only" object - he could have it for sleeping and very necessary times (like when he was sick), but that was it.  At his two year doctor visit, the pediatrician told us that it was ok to continue the paci use in this fashion until he's more settled with the baby coming and a possible move.

Two weeks ago Gobbles' teacher informed us that he had been napping without his school pacifier for a few weeks.  I think she is getting him ready to make the transition to preschool which will happen sometime in the next 2-3 months.  We decided to go along with what she was doing because we knew it had to happen sometime....

So, 10 days ago, on a Sunday night, after prepping Gobbles all weekend that the paci was going byebye, we bid farewell.  We did his bedtime routine and read his stories, and when he asked for the paci we told him, sorry, but it's gone.  It didn't go so well.  My poor baby cried and cried and I tried to soothe him, but the more I soothed him the more angry he got, and between sobs he just kept asking for his paci.  Finally, hubs stepped in, since I was starting to get upset myself.  I left Gobbles' room to tend to the Lobster Roll and the crying stopped, but hubs did not emerge.  Tired myself, I put the little girl to bed and settled in myself.  When I got up a few hours later to feed the baby, hubs was still in Gobbles room.  I quietly entered to find him snoring on the floor.  So we replaced the pacifier with good old fashioned laying in his room until he falls asleep?  Not quite the effect we were looking for.  Night 1 fail.

The next night went miraculously a lot better.  A few wimpers and extra cries at bedtime, but Gobbles went to sleep on his own, with each night getting progressively better.  There were still middle of the night calls, but this time we didn't have to do a hands and knees blind search around the room for the paci, just gave Gobbles a sip of water and off he went back to dream street.

Cut to Friday, the first day Gobbles was home with me last week (we had showings all week and a baptism party to prep for, so he was at school a lot), and we come to nap time.  Like usual, when I proposed a nap he willingly went up, but then as I was leaving the room he inquired about the paci.  I informed him that we don't use it anymore, remember?  And the tantrum began.  I told him it's ok if he didn't nap but he had to stay in his room and play quietly.  After about 20 minutes of screaming I went in to check on him where he said ok, he was ready to nap, just wanted to hug the dog and go to sleep.  I called Spoons in and she hopped into Gobbles bed.  I offered for her to stay there with him while he napped and he agreed.  I left the room and within a few minutes I heard a smack smack smack on the monitor.  Gobbles was actually hitting the dog, his most beloved family member ever.  I burst into the room and screamed Gobbles!  We do NOT hit the dog!  and the poor pup bolted past me to escape her aggressor.  The tantrums begun again and I realized that there would be no nap for the day.  We calmed ourselves down and made our way back downstairs for a quiet afternoon.

That evening of course he went to bed fine, but the next day's nap was even more laughable.  With hubs home and a pending 3:15 showing we knew we had to get him down early if we wanted any hope.  We put Gobbles up and this time there was no tantrum, but he happily played by himself in his room.  Every half hour or so hubs went up and gently reminded Gobbles that he should be napping.  Finally, around 2:00, it appeared Gobbles would nap, as he threw his pillow back on his bed (he had been laying on his floor reading books) and started to lay down.  But then in his deliriously overtired state he started playing once more, so there was nothing else I could do but take a video of his jibberish.  Finally, 15 minutes before he had to be woken up and dragged out of the house for the showing, Gobbles fell asleep peacefully.  Of course when I tried to transport him from the bed to the car he woke up (the reverse usually works just fine), but at least I know he got himself down.

Sunday with the Lobstah's baptism (another post altogether), Gobbles skipped a nap again, so by night he was exhausted and went to bed at 6:30.  I'm hoping to try again this weekend and get him back in a napping routine since he can do it at school without the pacifier.  But in the meantime, at night he has not asked for it, and save for 1 night this week when he woke up screaming for me to sleep in his bed (we think it was a nightmare and were able to calm him after 15 minutes), he's been a star sleeper without it.  And I'm trying to find other ways to put the Lil Lobster Roll to sleep so that she doesn't get addicted to this powerful little trinket, because I definitely do not want to go through paci goodbye again!

In the meantime - Gobbles 90 minutes in to "trying" to go down for a nap...