This ain't no Special K Diet...

... but I've lost 7 lbs in less than two weeks.  These two weeks I decided to stop tracking my weight watchers points because I was so frustrated with the gain and loss of the same 4 lbs over months.  So, really it's only a net of 3 lbs, but I'm finally at my pre-Lobstah weight, 8 months later!

And - I didn't restrict my diet at all - I ate everything I wanted!  In fact, In the past 10 days I've had more take-out and junk than I did all summer.  Plus lots of chocolate.  Think an entire carton of whoppers for a meal.  The most expensive and stressful weight loss plan ever, and I know I'll regain those lbs real quick, but here's exactly how it's done:

Gobblesmom's 10 Step Plan to Melt Away the pounds (and some brain function as well)

For best results, steps 1 thru 5 should be done over an 18 hour period, with no food and minimal water...

1) Sell your house and buy a new one, but only take settlement day off from work.  So stay up late all week leading up to settlement in order to pack, clean, pack, and oh feed keep your kids alive.  Get up at 4am the day of settlement to finish packing, disconnect any final appliances, get the dogs and kids out the door to daycare, and return to see your husband standing in amazement that the movers managed to get the 500 lb elliptical machine out of the basement without a fight.

2) Have your husband be the one to make all the arrangements for the movers, in turn underestimating the size truck they'll need, so everything from the shed and patio cannot fit.  Thank the moving gods that you have an awesome friend with a pickup truck willing to come by at the drop of a hat after work to load the rest of the stuff and pray that the jerko buying your home will let a few items sit in the driveway for the first few hours of his ownership.

3) Rush off to settlement and learn that the jerko, although ok with the crap in the driveway, is unhappy with the state the house was left in, what with dust balls in the corner and one piece of dog poop in the backyard.  His scumbag realtor demanded a "cleaning fee" in order to settle, even though it was his jerko client that insisted there was absolutely no way we could rent from him for a hot minute in order to move from one home to the other and clean properly.  The realtor goes off about the dustballs and having to paint - I interrupt with Paint?!  Those paint colors were there when he saw the place - when your APPRAISER saw the place and gave your client an extra 15 grand out of our pockets!  Hubs interrupts me and says fine, we'll go back and clean - no settlement.  I run a quick calc in my head and realize that the stupid fee wouldn't be worth having the movers sit on the truck longer than they already are, so I tell hubs forget it, we will settle.  Hubs tells jerko's agent Well if he's that hard up for money, fine, he can have it.  I look at hubs shaking my head and whisper "diaper".  If only we had done what we'd contemplated the night before, taken some of the lobster's poopy diapers and tossed them up into the far end of the attic where they wouldn't be noticed until long after settlement.  This guy had been such a thorn in our side, I only wish now we were the assholes we'd imagine we could be. 

Sorry - that was kind of a tangent.  Now back to the list.

4) Settle, but don't shed a tear over the loss of your old house - no TIME!  On to the new home walk-through.  Then to settlement! Then back to the new house so the movers can unload!  But wait - there are trees hanging over the driveway - quick cut down those branches so the moving truck won't get scratched!  And don't let the movers see you trying to drink some water because you'll feel terribly guilty even though you keep offering them some too! 

5)  After the movers are done hubs can go back to the old house to meet the aforementioned awesome friend & his pickup truck.  Take the time to survey the damage of the whirlwind move.  Look for some cleaning products to begin cleaning the bathrooms as well as some sheets, because showers and sleep will be high on the priority list.  (preempted by food of course, but waiting for hungry hubs would be the polite thing to do).  Climb over boxes in every room looking for everyday items, like the phone charger - which will probably still be missing 10 days later.  Muse at the movers' lack of understanding of your handwriting, or, does foyer mean bedroom in Spanish?

6) After the rest of the stuff is brought back by hubs and his friend grab some gross fast food and get to work cleaning.  Rinse, repeat all weekend and thank the moving gods again that the kids are with grandma.  Oh, and get the POD delivered and unload all that crap too.  The garage, living room, and basement make good dumping grounds.

7) If the kids' rooms and kitchen are set up before they get there, it's a good sign.  Hug your children because they missed you.  Put them to bed and keep working.  Get up and go to work, come home, fight the toddler off the swingset to come in for dinner, which consists of more takeout because food shopping just hasn't happened yet.  Have the dogs poop all over the dining room because they're nervous in the new place and have met their match with the three next door.

8) Get sick, a sore scratchy throat that screams whenever you swallow.  This will aid in the loss of appetite, so then even when you have time to eat (for instance at work) you won't want to. 

9) Get your baby sick too - a double ear infection so she won't sleep or even want to be put down.  Because you get a much better workout vacuuming when you're holding a 20 lb child in your other arm.

10) Finally go food shopping 8 days after moving in with both children in tow while hubs runs other errands.  Go to an unfamiliar grocery store and breathe a sigh of relief that the "Mommy Parking" spots must mean it's a nice kid-friendly place.  FALSE. Get dirty looks every aisle you turn into because your child is walking down the middle because there are no special kiddie car carts and you don't have enough room for them both in the cart.  Pass up any opportunities to buy junk food because you're chasing a kid whose priority is cantaloupes and at the same time you're looking for a damn pizza crust because homemade pizza is just so much more wholesome and healthy than regular pizza.  Get more dirty looks from the snobby patrons for being in the grocery store on a Saturday with children because they obviously never had to work during their childbearing years and could leisurely stroll through on any given Tuesday (or have their nanny do it). 

Bonus Tip:  Use your lunch hour during your second full week to run out to various stores to purchase things that have been lost, thrown out, or just plain never existed during the course of the move.  This will limit your food intake to something that can be eaten at your desk in a rush while you work, such as greek yogurt or reese's cups from the office manager's candy bowl.  Protein and sugar.  My new key to a healthy diet.

And Finally, a Warning:  If you attempt this diet, the most unwise thing to do would spend a 5 day stint at a food & wine festival afterwards, which will likely erase all of the "progress".  Being one who always bucks the system, I'm looking forward to regaining it all starting just 1 week from now on Hubs' and my special break from it all!!!

Gymnastics arena or sunporch?

Either way - a great place for me to do my puzzles (and jump!)