don't let them see you cry

i have a secret.  i'm sure those that know me well have gotten a peek through the strong woman facade i try to put off. 

because the truth is, i've had some insecurities that ran pretty deep for a large part of my life, most of them having to do with things i cannot control- physical appearance and other things.  i learned as i got older to cover them up with sarcasm.  make everything a big joke when everyone's around, cry about it later if necessary.  but now that i've become a mom, none of that seemed to matter anymore.  gobbles is priority number one, so worrying about parts of myself that cannot be changed just seem trivial.

it's not about me anymore.

yesterday we headed down to a specialist for what we thought would be a short procedure to unclog his left tear duct, which never cleared up on its own.  instead, the appointment was only a pre-evaluation complete with eye exam to make sure everything was good to go for the procedure to be scheduled at a later time.  things were going fine as they ran a few tests, confirming the clog and looking at a few other things.  they put some drops in his eyes and told us to go back to the waiting room for thirty minutes and we'd be called back in.

we enjoyed that time with gobbles as he ran like a maniac around the long halls of the hospital, laughing and squealing when we'd catch him.  relieved that he wasn't having a procedure that day after all, i was a little lighter on my feet, thinking he'd just get a quick pupil check and we'd be on our way.

instead, after we returned to the exam room, doctor after doctor came in and performed the same test.  still not thinking anything of it, i held my squirming toddler tight as he tried to ward off the lenses they were sticking in front of his eyes and the lights they were shining in.

after the third doctor came in for a consult, they sat us down.  your son is extremely nearsighted.  he needs a prescription of minus eleven.  he needs glasses immediately and we have to bring him back here for testing to rule out genetic disorder.  after all of that is sorted out, then we can worry about the tear duct.

it was like a sucker punch.  glasses.  tears stung my eyes as my mind flashed back to a 7th grade basketball game.  we were in the gym of a rival school's team playing on a friday night.  for some reason the boys from our school came in to watch.  i was running down the court in my rec specs, hoping the floorboards would open up and i would disappear into the fabric of the court.  see, i had a nice pair of wire rims for school and stuff, but their fragility led my mom to justify getting the cheapest ugliest plastic frames for sports.  complete with zebra print band.  i felt like a dork, but it was ok.  i mean nobody watches girls' sports other than parents, right?  when the boys showed up, i remember thinking.  great.  just another thing for them to make fun of me about.  because kids at that age can be downright cruel.

my mind snapped back as the doctor asked if we had questions.  is this his baseline?  is this minus eleven the BEST gobbles is ever going to see?  the doctor told us that yes, his sight will go down with age just as other nearsighted people do. 

my mind was spinning, tears flowing. i am a minus 6.5 and am blind as a bat without my glasses or contacts.  you're telling me my 15 month old son has eyes that are almost TWICE as bad as my own at 30?  the doctor confirmed, and reiterated that is the reason they wanted to perform more tests, to make sure that is the only thing.  i started firing questions what about his future? will he be able to do everything other normal kids do? 

he will, but even if he got contacts he'll have to wear protective goggles for sports to take precaution against retinal detachment.  bam.  rec specs. a left hook.

after more back and forth, none of which i can really remember, we left, full of anxiety and fear.  when we got in the car my husband and i discussed the chances of the worst case.  the reason for the further testing gobbles must have some time in the future.  the doctor made it seem like it was just a precaution, so we are trying not to worry about it now.  the fact that my son cannot see is worry enough...

my husband asked if i was ok, and it all came out.  i don't want my baby to ever have to be insecure about anything.  this is just ammunition for other kids to make fun of him!  i can't believe it.  it's my fault.  he assured me that they won't be made fun of, that i was projecting my own insecurities all over him.  true, i guess.  but i argued further.  you don't know what it's like!  to be at the pool and not being able to see your friends, to be on the beach and come out of the ocean and try to find your towel again half blind.  christ, just to wake up in the middle of the night and feel around for your glasses so you can look at the clock.  you don't understand!

my husband assured me that everything will be ok.  he's not sick (pending the results of the aforementioned tests), and he's still a happy guy.  and happiness is all that matters, if it comes with a few inconveniences than so be it. 

we're both still pretty shocked that our boy has been walking around half blind, but some things are making sense.  the lack of interest in the tv, only crawling to us at daycare when he hears our voices, and crying when i'm just five feet away because he can't see me are all very clear now.  the doctor assured as that his world will grow so much when he gets the glasses, and he will be much happier.

i know things will be all right.  but i pray that since he got his eyesight from his momma, he'll at least get his confidence from his daddy.

and in the meantime, i will never let him see me cry.