is it everything you hoped that it would be?

this week had started off great with gobbles' seperation anxiety going down a notch with an easy daycare drop-off on monday morning.  today, my own anxiety is now at an all-time high.

we entered the infant room and i placed gobbles on the floor to play with his friends while i unloaded the bottles, filled out the daily form, etc.  he was happy and interactive for the moment.  then the door opened, and he got that hysterical look on his face and started crying.  normally when this happens, he starts hauling ass towards me at remarkable speed.  today, as i looked up from my writing, i saw my child take off in a crawl towards his favorite teacher, ms. z.  she scooped him up and gave him a hug, and he stopped crying.

and my heart broke. 

as soon as he looked over and realized i was still in the room he lurched towards me and i got my own hugs.  but still, witnissing a virtual stranger giving my son the hugs and kisses he needs is not exactly comforting like i once imagined it to be.  instead, it's like a punch in the gut.  i understand that placing my baby in the care of somebody else for 40 hours a week will cause him to latch on to them, but for some reason i felt that the level of emotion and neediness that constituted crying was reserved just for me (or daddy).

ignorance was bliss.

and now that i know, i'm questioning everything.  with hubs having been given an expiration date on his paycheck and me having signed a 1 year commitment to this job, i'm stuck where i am for at least another 9 months, more if he has trouble finding something else.  but it's days like these where the mommy guilt is heavy, and i feel downright selfish for choosing to continue my career while my baby is growing up without me. 

today's countown begins very early:  7 hours and 33 minutes until i leave to see my little boy again. i miss him a lot this morning.