Friday Confessions

You did what now, Momma?

Ugh. what a week. well it started off great, and it will end great. but boy do i make things hard on myself.

i've mentally checked out of my job. do i have a new one lined up? no. i do have interviews with two different places that i'd LOVE to work for set up for 10 days from now. but there is no guaruntee. i'm kind lucky i suppose - still riding the "she's fresh off maternity leave so we really can't lay her off just yet" wave. my boss knows. i told him. well, not about the slacking, but about the interviews. one thing i've learned since becoming a mother is it's best to be up front with the people who you actually give a shit about. i couldn't care less about the NY people who run the show, who ship me off to godknowswhere whenever they can. but my philly boss is a cool guy, and he's scooped me up for one of his projects as soon as i got back so i'm safe from travel (mostly) for at least another month. he also loved the fact that i was on leave because he'd been working from home the whole time. i told him, hey don't stop your habit on account of me coming back. ergo, my lack of commute (except to daycare) for the last two weeks.

but, i've learned that working from home combined with no desire to perform well at my job is a deadly combination. for me at least, the queen of ADD. i was tasked with putting together a tool to analize various 50,000 line reports and spit out our audit information, using excel. when i was about 75% complete on that, last week, i was told to scrap it and make the tool out of this new program, something i'd never worked with before. and so it began.

the ADD. the dillydallying, finding anything and everything i could do besides learning this program. working from home you'd think i'd watch tv, but nope, that stayed off, even for wendy williams! i ate, i pumped, i ate, i researched things on the far end of the internet, i ate. i did a load or two of laundry, but the house is still a complete mess you'd never know i had all this "free" time. i even went as far as whipping up cookie dough to munch on. yes. disgusting, right? YES.

see, because of my lack of self control we do not keep sweets in the house to begin with. we do, however, have all the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies (sans the chips). i can now whip up a single serving bowl of cookie dough in about 3 minutes using a spoon to mash everything together. it's sad to think we may have to remove butter and sugar from the house as well because i cannot control myself. at least the dough i'm making is salmanella-free - milk instead of the egg, works like a charm if you have no intention to bake it. i even went as far as calculating the weight watchers points for one of my 'bowls of dough'. (around 8 if you need to know).

ok. there you go internet. i think you know my deepest darkest, most shameful secret. maybe now that i've confessed i'll learn from the humiliation and stop.

i have to stop - it's already starting to affect me and make me a horrible mother. yesterday i got an email from a coworker - gobblesmom do you have everything together to present your tool in the webcast tomorrow? um. no. i didn't think i was presenting too. way to listen on last week's conference call. after i chatted with him for a few minutes, i got down to work. then ran in for a cookie dough fix. then worked. then got a call about an interview for a job i'd applied to months ago. then researched the benefits of working at said company. then emailed my family to tell them how exciting it is that i got an interview. then worked a little. then let the dogs out. then work. then cookie dough. it went on like this until it was after 5, i had to run and get my gobbles from daycare.

thankfully my sister was stopping over for a bit to play with the baby, so i got back to it. work. have a beer. work. feed the baby. before i knew it, it was 9, husband was home from class and put the baby to bed, and was soon saying goodnight to me. no problem i'll be up in an hour or so. finally, WORK. i actually worked distraction free after that. why? probably because i had no choice, i HAD to focus. i finally fell into bed around 3am, only to be startled awake a few hours later, sweets, gobbles needs to eat, i need to leave soon if you want me to take him to daycare.

and so began the day. bringing me to the horrible mother part. in the rush to get the little man ready this morning, i noticed his daggers, er, fingernails, were in desperate need of a trim. so i did. got to the last one and poof, gave him a little nick on the thumb. it was still bleeding as i sent them out the door with a teeny tiny little band-aid on. i'm such an asshole. if i hadn't been so distracted all week and actually gotten my work done in the time i was supposed to this wouldn't have happened.

and if that's not enough, i'm abandoning the poor little man tonight and tomorrow night to socialize. guilt is setting in. oh well, i'd continue but i have a webcast in 7 minutes.

hopefully all this distraction is just temporary, and i will get one of the jobs i'm seeking. then i'll become a normal working supermom and live happily ever after.